Tuesday, June 16, 2009

OMG It Worked!!!

I was supposed to start my menstral cycle this Thursday, and though I wanted to wait at least until Friday to test, I just couldn't wait any longer. So I got the early pregnancy test this morning, and...it's positive! I'm so thankful, happy, relieved, scared and worried. But mostly ecstatic!!!! I just pray things turn out well.

I'm still slightly shocked, but at the same time, I kind of knew. I could feel myself ovulating, a couple of days later, I could feel the egg traveling down the fallopian tube (sounds crazy, but it does happen to some women). I also had a ridiculous amount of gas, something that happened the first time around. And part of me just knew, but I didn't want to let myself believe it because I didn't want to be disappointed.

But, no need to worry about that. There were definitely two lines, and for a second I thought, what if it's wrong. But you either have pregnancy hormone or you don't....And I do! Thank God, I do!!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Getting To Know Me

So as it states at the top of my blog, I'm a very private person; and because of that, I'm not in the habit of talking about myself to people. I secretly love it when people ask me about myself and are truly interested in the answers. But I'm never going to be the one to bring the topic of me up.

Anyway, I was reading random blogs (this blog thing is really new to me. I had heard of them in the past but never knew that there were so many out there and so entertaining...I love it!)and I came across Penny Lane's (http://sugarplumdreams.blogspot.com/) blog with questions she wanted answered by other bloggers she'd tagged. Although I was not one of them, I liked the questions, started thinking of my answers and thought, why don't I just stick my answers on my blog?

So here are her thought provoking questions and my responses:

1. If you have a lifelong goal or dream in your mind, do you think you will acheive it?
Lifelong goal or dream? My goals/dreams change often. When I was kid, my dream was to be a singer (until I realized my voice just is not that great). Then I wanted to be a pediatrician (until I realized I would spend most of my twenties studying). The one thing I've always wanted was to be truly loved. And thank goodness, I've found that. Now my goals are to be a great mom (when the time comes--hopefully soon!) and a good wife. May seem lame to some people. But in my job, I see people lose their lives all the time, and what's most important are the friends and family that support them and are there at the end. And as much as career and other goals are important, having people in your life to support and love you is just what life is all about.
2. Is someone's intention more important than their action?
I think it depends on the action. In general, one's intention is more important because some people have good intentions but have no idea how to execute them. Yet, if someone doesn't have the wisdom to make the right choices, then the action matters more, especially if it directly or indirectly hurts other people.
3. You wouldn't be caught, where?

I wouldn't be caught buying or holding a cat. I used to have an irrational fear of cats, and now I just don't like them.

4. Post a pic of the place you'd most like to go in your lifetime.

My husband and I love to travel and have been around the globe together. The one place I'd love to go is Macchu Picchu in Peru. My husband's been there, I've heard so much about it and it looks amazing. I don't know when or if I'll make it there, but it's definitely at the top of my list of places I'd love to see.

5. If your home were on fire and you could only save one photo, what would it be?

This photo of me and my husband in Cambodia. We spent a month in Southeast Asia in late 2004, and spent a few days in Siem Reap visiting Angkor Wat. We're not Buddhist (even though I'm totally fascinated by Buddhist culture), but I just love how happy and serene we look. And I love the two ladies in the background. That trip to SE Asia was the greatest trip I've ever been on. The food, the people, the cultures were all amazing. I did things I never thought I would do, ate things I never thought I would eat...it was just magical. As many other far away places that I'd love to visit, I would go back (especially to Thailand) in a second.

6. What is your favorite cupcake flavor?

I really love plain yellow cake with a simple buttercream frosting, and maybe a few sprinkles. Yummy, sweet and to the point.

7. If you could have made the book or books by any author you can think of, which would it be?

Not sure if I completely understand this question, but I love Dr. Seuss' book Oh the Places You Will Go. It's a children's book that I was given when I was twenty three and about to move to California. It resonated a lot with me back then because I was making a big change in my life and for the first time, had no idea what to expect. Every now and then I whip it out and re-read it. It's genius, and it all rhymes!

Well I hope that gives people a chance to learn a little bit about me. Thanks Penny Lane for the great questions!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Yay Me!

Thank God for friends! I talked to my best friend last night. She lives in my home town of Chicago and we've been friends since we were nineteen. What I love about her is that she will tell it like it is. I don't have to worry about her telling me what she thinks I want to hear, because she just doesn't do that. I can count on her to be honest, whether I want to hear it or not. And she finds a way to do it tactfully.

I was complaining about my weight and lack of motivation to work out. And she very gently, but firmly told me to get my ass in gear. We both were stick thin and could eat whatever we wanted in our twenties, and have both gained a little weight so far in our thirties. Her weight ballooned a little a couple of years ago, but she started working out and looks great now. I have to be honest, at first I didn't want to hear it because I totally have told myself everything she was saying to me over and over again for weeks. However, I think I needed someone to just tell me, hey stop groaning about it, get off your ass and do something about it!

I've been trying to get myself to workout again for months. I did finally get back in the gym in February and started taking tons of kickboxing and other cardio classes. Then I found out I was pregnant, and decided to cut back. Then I started fearing that something bad was going to happen with the pregnancy and I stopped altogether, and haven't started again, and put on another 5 lbs. Since the miscarriage, I've been sedentary and I guess a little depressed too. Which my friend touched on as well.

So today, I finally went on a long, strenuous hike. It was hell, but I feel so much better! I definitely do not want to start a "hard core" exercising until I know if I'm pregnant or not; but this was a great start. And as long as I do something consistently, even if I don't lose an ounce, I'll feel better overall. The great part is, my friend is going to hold me accountable by calling or leaving a message on my facebook to say, hey did you do at least 30min. today?" Which is exactly what I need.

I hope I stick with it. One day at a time...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

TTC and the TWW

So I'm officially waiting to see if I get a period next week or not. This may be TMI, but I should know in about 8 days or so. So of course, all I can think about is if I'm pregnant or not. Every slight hint of an abdominal cramp, every time I feel bloated, I wonder if it's a sign.

To help me keep my sanity during this waiting period, I've been looking at blogs and websites of other people trying to conceive. And let me tell ya, it's a whole other world out there. When reading some people's blogs, it's like reading a medical chart if you're not in the medical field. I get the gist of it, but I'm also like, what are they talking about? Abbreviations like TTC (trying to conceive, I deduced), DH (donor husband?), AF (no idea), BFP(come again?).

One of the first times I read blogs was when I had my miscarriage earlier this year. It really helped me to cope. It makes such a difference when you're going through something to "talk" to someone or read the story of someone that has been through the same thing. It was more comforting than talking to my friends, family or even my husband.

So during this waiting period, I decided to search for blogs of other women in my position. Well there are tons of them out there and being a newbie to all the slang, I was feeling a little like the odd man out. Finally I found a website (http://www.twoweekwait.com/) that took the guess work out. They have a dictionary for all those mysterious abbreviations that were Greek to me.

TTC=trying to conceive (I was right!)
DH=dear husband (um, okay)
AF=aunt Flo or menstrual cycle (cute)
BFP=big fat positive for a positive pregnancy test (I would have never gotten that one!)
TWW=two week wait

So now I can read those blogs with a little more ease. But there's a part of me (that I try constantly to repress) that's superstitious. And I'm afraid if I read these blogs too much that I will bring having trouble conceiving into my life somehow. I know, completely irrational. And I just started reading them in the past few days, so if we did conceive, I'm already pregnant and it won't matter. I just hope I am pregnant! The waiting game sucks.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Just Do It!

I went hiking today, and it made me realize how totally out of shape I am! It's really annoying. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (thank God for height!), and I can feel it! I went with a friend of mine who is about an inch and half taller than me (I'm 5'9"), and she's complained that she's the heaviest she's ever been too. But that inch and half makes a difference, because I'm only a couple of pounds heavier than her, and she still looks skinny to me. She also did much better walking uphill than I did.

I want to get back in shape, but I hate starting back after such a long hiatus. It's hell starting to workout again. I've done this a million times--getting in shape, getting out of shape, getting in shape again--and the first 2-3 weeks for me is absolute torture. Every time I get back in shape, I swear I'm going to keep up with it so I don't have to go through that adjustment period again. And after today's hike, I'm dreading it even more.

But what's crazy, is I've been talking about doing this for months! And I think this is the longest I've gone without working out in years. Before I got married last October, I had gotten myself into pretty good shape, and I wasn't thrilled with my body, but I was content. We went on a three week honeymoon, got back and I said then that I would rest for a week or two then start again. Well, that never happened. And I've been setting start dates and not doing anything ever since.

I know what I need to do. I just need to stop talking and writing about it and just do it...but now I have another "great" excuse. I want to wait to see if I'm pregnant or not before I start a workout routine. If I am pregnant, I'll just do light to moderate activity and if I'm not, I'll start moderate to intense (like I have in the past). And why don't I just start with light activity until I know for sure. Well, that just makes too much sense and requires too much effort, so yeah. Here I am. The vicious cycle continues...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Place To Call Home

I live in the Bay area of California, and as most people know, real estate is stupidly expensive. Things have gotten better with the economy lately, but they're still astronomical. Both my husband and I are nurses and we make a pretty decent living. Yet we still can't afford the type of nice property (a reasonably sized house with a reasonably sized yard in a reasonably safe neighborhood) we may be able to afford elsewhere.

It's really frustrating. The more seriously we've started to look for something, the more discouraged I get. We keep lowering the price of what we want to pay because we don't want to end up house poor. Travelling is very important to us. Not only for vacation, but our families are over 2,000 miles away. It is our choice to live here, but we have to be able to afford to visit each of family at least once a year. And as our family (hopefully) grows, that'll become more and more expensive.

We're soon to be first time home buyers, and we can afford a starter home. Something that needs some fixing up or we may end up in a townhome. We can't yet afford the neighborhood we really want to live in. We went to a few open houses for places in our new price range, and I was almost in tears. We'd have to buy somewhere a lot further south than we want to live or buy a still overpriced piece of crap. I don't mind something that needs a little bit of work. I actually think it'd be fun to do some touchups over time and watching a place transform. But some places I've seen so far just need to be completely gutted or bulldozed.

Soooo frustrating! But we're at the very, very beginning of this process. We still need to get preapproved, find an agent, etc. Our lease is up in Feb 2010, and that's our goal for buying a place. Deep down, I'm an optimist and I think that the right place will show up at the right time.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm a Reasonable Person. Why Do I Watch This Sh**?

Against my better judgment, I tuned in to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Mostly because Heidi and Spencer were going to be on and I was curious what they'd be like without all the flash of their other show. I was actually surprised. Their couple dynamic was totally different on that show than it is on The Hills. They acted like a couple that's totally in love. On MTV, they act like they have the most difficult, trouble ridden relationship out there.

I also discovered that Heidi is totally into Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with it. She just never shows her Christian values on that other show. Again, this underscores my point from another post that The Hills is super fake. I think they should stop calling it a reality show and call it an improv drama loosely based on the casts' lives. I guess my beef is that they won't openly admit that it's B.S.

Anyway, I'm hoping that watching that one episode of I'm a Celebrity will be it and that I won't watch it again. But with all my other fave shows on summer vaca, that probably won't happen. Oh well. It's mindless entertainment. What's wrong with that?

All I Wanna Do is A Zoom Zoom Zoom and a Boom Boom!

Well, it's officially time for my husband and I to start working on making a baby. It's a very exciting time for him because he's guaranteed some nookie at least daily for at least a week straight. And trust me, I don't mind that at all. But I've never been on a mission during sex before. It's always been spontaneous versus being like, "OK. Today we must make love no matter what! I don't care that you're having an asthma attack...Strip!!!" I'm trying to make it fun, and it is...but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, we gotta do this and do it right.

When we were pregnant last time, it was a spur of the moment decision. We knew I was ovulating on Friday. It was a Tuesday, and we thought okay, we'll give it a try. Totally thinking that the odds were pretty slim. If I were to get pregnant, great. If I didn't, I didn't. Then I did. And we were ecstatic! And although things didn't work out the way we wanted them to, I always think back to that time fondly because we were sooo excited and surprised. And honestly, pretty impressed with ourselves.

So we're praying that we're that "fertile" (for lack of a better word) this time around. I just feel nervous about it. Like, will I be less "fertile" since I'm thinking about it more and planning more than the first time? Is there a such thing as trying too hard when you're trying to get pregnant?

I feel really hopeful. And I'm trying to be patient. Someone recently said, if it's meant to be, it alreaedy is. And I believe that.