Friday, December 17, 2010

I haven't been on Blogger in a really long time--obviously. But I thought I should report that I gave birth to a healthy 8lb 2oz little boy on September 17th. In the end, despite the anxiety, I had a normal, uneventful pregnancy. Little Ethan is 3 months old today and thriving! I'm obsessed with reading about infant sleep these days because he wakes up every 90 minutes all night long...still. He'll have a good night of sleep every once in a while, but then he'll go back to his usual pattern. Thank goodness for my hubby. Most nights when he's home, I'll pump a bottle of breast milk, and he feeds him so I can get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Funny how good 4 whole hours of sleep feels!

I live for his smiles and little giggles. He is beautiful and perfect, and I feel so blessed. I'm so thankful for the support I found through blogging.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Update

Between moving, gardening, redecorating (and having Blogger blocked at work), I've been totally MIA. I've fallen in love with the house we're renting. We've had 3 or 4 BBQs/dinner parties in the almost 2 months that we've lived here. It's just a lot more fun to entertain with a back yard!

The baby is doing great. I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. My 20 week ultrasound confirmed that we're having a boy! He was measuring a week ahead of my LMP, as he always has, and all measurements looked good. I finally have a real bump, and strangers have started asking when I'm due. Last Saturday, I felt my first kicks. I think I was feeling it before Saturday, but I wasn't sure. That day, my DH and I had our hands on my belly and we both felt it. It was amazing! It's just all finally feeling real. I'm still nervous. I still use my doppler (thank God for that thing! It has kept me sane!), but for the first time, I'm feeling like we could actually become parents in less than four months.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Moving

After spending the past 3 years in a lovely 2 bedroom apartment, my DH and I are moving to a 3 bedroom house. It's only a couple of miles from where we live now, and it's lovely. It has great curb appeal. There's a weeping willow out front. A lovely yard. The only problem is, the living room and dining area are tiny. I thought we had a smallish LR and dining area in the apartment, but it's huge compared to the house.

It has a fireplace, and we were thinking of mounting our 46" flat screen above it. Then my DH heard that some people don't recommend that because it can be a crappy view. So now we have to figure out a way to cram that sucker in...or (what I'm leaning toward) just buy a smaller one. I also want to buy a smaller couch. We have a giant sectional that will swallow the new LR whole. But it was kind of expensive, and since we're renting this lovely house, we don't want to spend a lot on new furniture, only to move in a year or two. So basically, we'll be straddling the TV everytime we want to watch something.

In other news, the baby is doing well. I saw my OB (the one who I saw all last year with my RPL) for my 16 week checkup (yes, 16 weeks...I can't believe it!). He works with two other OBs, and I saw them my last two appointments. I was excited to see him because it's the first time I've seen him since the last loss. I was expecting hugs, and oh my gosh so happy for you; but, it was a little anticlimatic. He was a bit awkward to be honest.

Then he decided to scare the sh*t out of us by saying, "there was a discrepancy with your NT ultrasound." I just braced myself, thinking, great, can I ever get good news from this guy? Well the baby measured 13 weeks instead of 12 weeks, 1 day. So he asked if I was sure about my LMP (I asked, are you serious? I can practically tell you the hour it started). Then he said he wants an accurate due date in case there are issues later and we have to deliver early. Great. Glad you're preparing for the worst, but did you have to say it in such an ominous way? Do you realize what we've been through? So with my 20 week US, they'll look at what the baby's measuring and figure out, what they think is the most accurate due date.

My feeling is, my DH and I are tall. Maybe I'm going to have a tall kid. I mean, at what stage do babies start measuring differently? Babies are not all born the same height. But, whatever. I was just a little disappointed that he didn't dance a little jig for us. I decided I like his one colleague better. She was very optimistic with my first 2 ultrasounds (when I was scared sh*tless). And she was extremely reassuring and sweet. I've always gone to female docs anyway.

But the important thing is, the little guy seems to be progressing nicely. And I'm so thankful for that. I still hold my breath, but I also relax a bit more every day. And each day, it starts to feel a little more real. Like this could actually happen.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Coming Out

Coming out ain't easy. My husband has been so excited. I promised him that at week 13, we could tell people at work. He was bursting at the seams! Since we work in the same place (different departments), I slowly started telling people too. My department is large and pretty gossipy, so for every one person I tell, 5 will know in a day or two. And the more people that know, the more I want to crawl into a hole. It's not that I'm not thrilled about the baby, I'm terrified about all the what if's.

Everyone in both our departments know that we're married. I had a girl who works with him come up to my area just to give me a hug. Another girl I work with heard through the grapevine, and she came to give me a hug. It's sweet, but I also just want people to act normal. I don't know. It's just terrifying.

It's easier and easier to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, and that's reassuring. Being 13 weeks, 4 days is reassuring. The results of our NT Scan (1 in 6000 chance of Down's, and 1 in 86,000 for Trisomy 18), also reassuring. But there's that nagging little voice, almost a whisper that keeps saying, what if...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

An Interesting Article

Found this article via Love Maegan, which is a blog more dedicated to style/fashion, but she is having issues with infertility, and occassionally posts about it.

The article was written in 2006, but it's still relevant and could have been written yesterday. It's about how America seems to have "baby fever," and how difficult it is for women struggling with infertility. It also points out thst since Demi Moore posed naked with a huge bump on the cover of Vanity Fair, pop culture has been obssessed with baby bumps. I have to admit, that I subscribe to a weekly celebrity gossip mag and if I had a buck for each story, picture or announcement about a celebrity's child, bump or pregnancy, I'd be able to retire.

Anyway, if you have some time, the article is really interesting. On another note, I just watched the Oscars (in parts), and I adore Sandra Bullock's dress! Oh my gosh, she looked absolutely stunning!

Still here...

I realized that I haven't posted for a while. One of my symptoms has been extreme exhaustion. It took a Herculean effort to get me to do anything around the house, let alone cook a meal. Thank goodness for my DH! He really stepped up to the plate, without a complaint. If I wanted take out, he got take out. If I had a craving for grilled cheese at 7am, he made me grilled cheese with a smile. So blessed to have him.

Last Thursday, I suddenly just felt better. I went to a class during the day for work, then after the class went to the grocery store, made dinner and did the dishes afterward. I hadn't done anything like that in weeks! My DH almost passed out from shock! I felt better about myself (because I was so lazy, it wasn't even funny anymore!), but of course the worry started to creep in.

So, I broke down and bought a doppler. I just couldn't resist. It's not the greatest quality. It took it a while to accurately display my own pulse (which I know is healthy and bounding), but I could hear it. But the pulse reading on the display was not accurate for a while. It took it a long time to calculate. In the meantime, it was giving me heart rates of 125 (that's its favorite number!), then going blank. Annoying!!

Initially, I had a lot of trouble finding the baby. I put it away for a couple of days, then yesterday, I tried with a really full bladder. After a couple of minutes, there it was! It was beating away at about 168 (I counted it manually, then finally the doppler displayed it), and it was the sweetest sound I ever heard! Throughout all of this, I hadn't cried. At both ultrasounds, I was happy, and relieved, but never had an emotional release, because I was holding my breath. But hearing that beautiful sound yesterday, I lost it. I know it's still early (11 weeks, 3 days today), and anything can happen anytime, but it was so nice to have that reassurance.

I did it while my husband was at work, and when he came home, after a few minutes, I was able to find it again for him. And he admitted he was glad I bought the doppler after all. My compromise is that I'm going to try not to use it every day. I really just want it between visits. I have my NT ultrasound on Monday, and after that I won't see the doctor for 3 1/2 weeks. The doppler will keep me sane... I hope.

I still live in fear every day. But hearing the heartbeat, gave me a little more hope.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Got my second ultrasound Thursday. And we're still good! I was supposed to be 8 weeks 2 days, according to my LMP, but the little one measured 9 weeks! I'm pretty confident I ovulated early that cycle, and because the baby was measuring ahead with the first ultrasound, we upped the due date by 3 days (to 9/18).

I was so excited. My DH actually cried. We're still terrified, it's still early, but it's the first time we've had something to hold on to. As far as symptoms (which I never really had in any of my miscarriages), I've had intermittent nausea. Seems like I've had a little nausea every day this week. Definite bloating (I've had that the whole time, and it makes me look, not pregnant, but freaking fat! But I'm okay with that...), gas, lots o gas, and sometimes, I do have an increased sense of smell. No food aversions. Although I have no desire for decaf coffee. I used to have a cup every day I worked, and occasionally at home, but for weeks, I've had no desire for it, at all. And I love coffee.

We finally came out of the closet to immediate family. We weren't going to tell a soul until 13 weeks, but I wanted to tell my mom because she has this crazy intuition. It's a little scary sometimes. But for weeks, she's been saying she can't sleep at night because she knows something is going on with me, and she kept asking me, is everything okay. Is there anything you need to talk about? It got to the point, that I was dreading talking to her on the phone, because I knew she was going to start grilling me and telling me how worried she was about me. When she heard the news, she cried. It was a really special moment.

So, I have a lot of hope right now. I'm still taking it one day at a time. And that's what I told my family. Things are great right now, but it's still early. I won't get another ultrasound until some time in March, which scares me a little. I've contemplated buying a doppler, but DH is against it. He knows that ultimately I'll do whatever I think is best, but he thinks it'll give me more to worry about, instead of less. His argument is that it's not always easy to find the heartbeat, and if I can't one day, what will I do. Potentially worry for nothing. I think he has a point, but I still want to try it out.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Lesson Learned

Last installment of Affairgate 2010...

A group of friends (that included my friend that cheated, M) went out to dinner on Friday night. It was the first time I'd seen her since she told me about her affair. I felt really awkward around her. Whenever I have an issue with someone that hasn't been aired, I have a hard time being around them or looking them in the eye. That's how my husband can tell if I'm upset with him. If I'm really quiet, or avoiding his gaze, he immediately asks, what's wrong?

Anyway, things were okay during dinner. After dinner, the group of us went to a bar for drinks (I had Sprite with lime, of course). I pretty much avoided her the whole time. I just talked with other friends. I saw her mingling, but eventually sitting by herself. Of everyone there, she knew me best. Normally, I would have tried to make her feel included, but I didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't want to be fake. So, I actually made an effort to say away from her.

Then (this is the part I'm ashamed of), out of the corner of my eye, I saw her wiping her face. My husband happened to be there. I saw them talking, and she was visibly very upset. Everyone in our group noticed. Then she got her coat. My husband came up to me and said, she's really upset right now, and she's leaving. I'm going to grab a cab for her. Why don't you give her hug? Well, I refused. She needs you right now, he said. You're her friend, and she's devastated. Well, maybe she should be devastated, I replied.

Well, he shook his head, and he grabbed her a cab. This whole time, she never looked at me. That night, my husband and I talked about it, and my husband was like, wow I've never seen you act like that. You were so cold, I couldn't believe it. Well I gave him my passionate plea about I couldn't stand behind a home wrecker (especially after what happened to both his mother and mine), and that I had been conflicted about it ever since she told us the week before. I realize now that I was so conflicted, because I didn't agree with it but I knew judging her so harshly was wrong.

That night, I couldn't sleep. The more I reflected on my actions, the more terrible I felt. My husband was right. I was being a self-righteous bitch. The least I could have done was try to comfort her, even if I didn't agree with what she did.

I had lunch with a different friend the next day, and told her everything. She gave me great advice. She said, yes what she did was deplorable, and I completely agree with how you feel about it. But she's human and we've all made mistakes. She needs a friend now more than ever, and you need to be there for her. You don't have to agree with what she did, but you can help her move forward.

So since I suck at confrontation, I said, maybe I should write her a letter. No, don't do that, my friend said. You can't convey tone or feeling in a letter. This is something that warrants at least a phone call. Maybe you could text her, and let her know you want to talk, but don't discuss your feelings about it in a letter.

Well, I took the middle road, and sent her a message on facebook. It said, "I'm really sorry for being standoffish last night. I've never had a friend in a situation like this, and it's been hard for me to figure out how to be supportive, while staying true to myself. I've always been there for my friends, and you are my friend. Even though I don't agree with what's happened, I don't want to judge you and I do want to be there for you. So whenever you want to talk, I'll be here to listen." I was going to have someone look it over and give me their thoughts, but after reading it, and re-reading it and revising it a dozen times, I sent it.

I thought it was honest, without being harsh and that I was opening up the door for communication. Well, she didn't quite take it that way. She replied, "After my awkward departure last night and receiving your message today, I don't see how I can be comfortable or honest about my life with you. I realize our friendship has dwindled away since I left the ICU (we used to work together), and this won't be a big loss for either of us. I don't want to sound petty or inflammatory, but I think you should know I'm pretty hurt by the message you sent me today and that the timing was incredibly bad as my life, my heart and my soul are in pieces right now. I'm so sorry."

Yeah, so I'm an evil bitch.

She's right, since we stopped working together, we did grow apart. We really started growing apart once this affair started. And I'm not heartbroken about not having a friendship with her anymore. I always thought our friendship had great potential, it just never got there. People thought we were close, but we were never as close as we appeared to be.

What I feel guilty about, is letting my self righteousness get in the way of being a friend. I watched her crying that night, and I did nothing. Instead of being compassionate, I judged her harshly, and turned my back on her. That was wrong. I know what she did was awful, but I'm not perfect either. I've done that a few times in my life, judged very harshly and had no sympathy for the person I was judging. I think it's a defense mechanism, but it doesn't make it right.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. I've learned that, even though I've always considered myself an open minded, compassionate person, I don't always live up to that role. I've learned that I need to learn how to confront people, and stand up for what I believe in, without knocking someone else down. I think judging people/situations is natural and unavoidable, but I can't let those judgements make me believe that I'm somehow better than someone else. I'm sure in her life, she never imagined she'd be where she is right now. I know that having an affair is not something one aspires to. It was a terrible mistake, and I should have seen it as such. I think the irony is that I did come around, but it was too late.

I hope this experience teaches me how to be a better person, better friend, and someday, better parent. And if all of that comes from all of this, losing a friend was worth it.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Keep on Keeping On

So far, so good, I guess with my little sprout. 7 weeks 3 days today. I've had vague symptoms like indigestion, sometimes things taste good, but have an alkaline taste in my stomach (hard to explain), but that's been intermittent. Sometimes I'm really bloated, sore bbs, though some days are worse than others. Sometimes it seems the soreness almost totally goes away, and then it comes back. That happened a couple of days before my ultrasound last week. My boobs felt normal, and I was freaking out, then the day of the ultrasound, they started aching again, and we got good news. So hopefully, it just naturally waxes and wanes and isn't an ominous sign.

I'll just feel better after our ultrasound next week. I know I still won't be able to completely relax, but hopefully it'll bring a little calm.

As far as my friend is concerned (I'm still in shock, by the way), I have mixed feelings about her. I think she did a terrible, awful, incredibly selfish thing. And regardless how our friendship ends up, I need to tell her what I really think. I held back a lot the day she told me. Partly out of shock, partly because she was upset and I didn't want her to feel worse, partly because I'm pretty non-confrontational. But I think whether our frienship continues or not, I have to get off my chest how I feel to her. I've just witnessed too much (particularly with my mother, and how my dad's affair effects her to this day), to just stand idly by and act like it's a mistake anyone could make.

I want her to know that she should be ashamed of herself. I think she's embarrassed because it's socially taboo, but I don't think she really regrets it. I never heard her express real remorse. And I know she's told other people, and I don't think anyone's really given her sh*t for it, and that's what she needs. A good slap on the hand!

Yet, I feel bad judging her because I'm no saint. I've done a couple things in my past that I would gladly take back if I could. Nothing even close to what she's done, but still. Who am I to judge?

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on staying positive. I work in an ICU, and we've had a lot of sadness lately. This week, I've seen two 35 year olds who are close to death. Really, really sad. One is engaged. The other is married with two small children. Just makes me count my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Trying Not to Judge...but I can't help it...

This afternoon I got a call from a friend of mine saying she was freaking out, needed to talk and wanted to come over. Of course, I told her, come now.

To back track a bit, sometime in the spring of last year, we went for a hike and she confessed that she had a crush on one of her coworkers who is married with two children. She said they were friends, and the more they hung out, the more she liked him, but knew it was wrong because he was married. She said they were a little flirtatious with each other sometimes, and she felt really guilty about it. I told her to cut the friendship off, and just keep their out of work socialization to work events only. I told her it was a slippery slope that she did not want to go down. Weeks later, I asked her how things were going, and she said, oh we're good. We still hang out sometimes, but it's really not like that, we're purely platonic. (I'm sure you can see where this is gonna go)

Well, I guess at that point, they really were just friends. But a few months later, they bonded over some crisis at work, ended up sleeping together, and started an affair that has lasted for months. His wife and two kids lived on the east coast and he was on the west coast doing a special project for a year, which is why he could get away with it and act single for so long. He moved back east in September, and she said since that time, they've talked on the phone and texted daily. She's gone to D. C. twice to meet up with him.

I was floored. Floored!! I knew their relationship had probably crossed a line. I went out for drinks with them once, and their level of intimacy, I thought was inappropriate. I mean, it was little things, but I remember thinking, if my husband was that comfortable with a single female, some bitch's hair would be ripped out and he would be missing a testicle. Just sayin. That was the point where she and I started hanging out a lot less. She wouldn't commit to hanging out, or would just flake when we made plans. I was going through my own crap, so I didn't bother to pursue it. When he left to go back to the east coast, I thought their relationship was over. She never brought him up. They weren't friends on facebook anymore. I asked her about him once, and she said she didn't talk to him anymore. I just assumed it ended (maybe badly), and that was that.

So she came over, and said that a few weeks ago, he told her his wife just turned 35 and wanted them to try for a third child. (He had been telling my friend that he hadn't slept with his wife in two years, and wasn't attracted to her anymore). She got upset and jealous, and told him that he had to tell her about the affair, because it wasn't fair to his wife to keep her in the dark (yeah, now all of a sudden, she's thinking about what's fair to the wife!). And she said if he didn't tell his wife, she would.

He got upset, threatened suicide, then via text message, he told her that he had confessed to his wife last night, and she left with the two kids. My friend was in tears, and said she hoped he didn't hurt himself, that she had been trying to call him and he hadn't returned her calls.

I told her she needed to CUT HIM OFF!! I said, he is wrapping you up in his crap, and you cannot move on with your life, unless you cut him out of it. Block his number, change your number, whatever you have to do. And she said, I know, and it's so over, I just want to hear his voice to make sure he's okay. (Eye roll) I should've said, but didn't think of it the time, do you think he's worried about you? If he really cared about you, wouldn't he have ended this relationship so you could move on with your life, and maybe start one with a man that could give you 100%? He told her from the beginning that he would not be leaving his wife.

I feel for her, because she's only had one other relationship in her life besides this affair, and I think she's a little naive. But when I met her, she always talked about what a strong Christian she is. She goes to church almost every Sunday, and honestly, even though I knew something inappropriate was going on, I thought at worst, they had made out, or slept together once. But a torrid, emotional and physical affair for months? Totally shocked.

I'm trying not to judge her. But I really thought and expected a lot more from her. We are all human, but really? You flew 3000 miles to hook up with him? Really? And she said, it was hard to "remember" he was married because she never met his wife, she lived 3000 miles away and he acted very single (went out all the time, etc); and I get that. But come on! I didn't want to make her feel worse, so I really held my tongue.

I have really strong feelings about affairs. My dad had one on my mom that produced 2 children, and my mother was devastated...beyond devastated. My husband's father had an affair for years, and ended up marrying his mistress. His mother is still bitter about it. So I think that's part of the extreme disappointment and shock. I guess I'd like to believe that no one I call a friend would do something like that. I'm really kind of disgusted by it. And the guy is such an a-hole sleezebag, and she doesn't see it.

I thought it'd be better to vent on my blog than talk about it to other friends. I'm not sure who knows at this point. It's just sad...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Big Exhale...

We had our first ultrasound today, and finally, for the first time ever, we got good news!!! According to my LMP, I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. The baby measured 6 weeks 5 days, and had a heart rate of 141!!! I could not believe it! When I saw that little flutter, my heart just melted. My DH had tears in his eyes. Our little sprout is growing and alive!

I've never seen anything so beautiful and wonderful in my life. I'm still in shock and awe and amazement. This is literally the happiest day of my life thus far. This is only the first hurdle, but darnit, we crossed it. Finally.

We'll get another ultrasound at 8 weeks, and see how things are. I'm still cautiously optimistic, but so very happy. I was jumping up and down in the parking lot doing the happy dance, and probably looking like a crazy person. I couldn't help it. I didn't care what people thought. We have a chance. Thank you God, we have a chance...:)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

One Day At a Time

I'm anxiously anticipating my ultrasound on Tuesday. Practically counting the minutes! I have a good feeling about this one so far. I have lots of breast tenderness right now. I don't even have to poke around, it's there. And I feel hungry all the time. But I don't know if that's from the pregnancy, or from the fact that I really love food, it's hard to tell. I'm trying to stay positive and keep telling myself that every pregnancy is different. It is going to be okay. I will not have my heart broken again.

The angel on my shoulder is reinforcing all that positive self talk. Yes, darling you will be okay. Just relax. Whatever happens is out of your control. Then I have the little devil on the other shoulder saying, things seemed fine with 2 of the 3 pregnancies at this point. Not bleeding doesn't mean anything. And even if the ultrasound is good on Tuesday, it doesn't mean it'll stay that way.

That's the voice that I've been trying to strangle into silence.

But mostly, I'm listening to the angel, and trying to push all other thoughts out of my head, because it's out of my control at this point. So I'm officially 5w2d today. I only have 5 more days until my first ultrasound. Hopefully, after that, I'll be able to let out a little bit of tension, we'll see...But I'm very, very hopeful.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Liar, liar...

I'm a terrible liar. Awful! Usually I do okay if I have time to rehearse it beforehand; but if someone asks me something just out of the blue, I choke. Every single time!

Anyway, it's probably not the best idea to go to a bar with friends who are getting loaded, when you very obviously are not. My girlfriend (we rekindled our friendship last year after not really talking for a couple of years) noticed I was only drinking Sprite. She was at the dinner party I went to last month where I was only drinking water. She just stopped and stared at me and said, "Oh my God! You are pregnant, aren't you?"

I stalled. She was the only person who didn't know about the three miscarriages I had last year. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to get into it at a bar either. So I said, "Well, we're trying to get pregnant." "Really? How awesome!!" she replied as she hugged me. "How long have you guys been trying?"

OK, that was a valid question, but one I didn't exactly anticipate. I wanted to tell her a million times over the past few weeks what we'd been going through, but I just never found the right opportunity. This certainly didn't seem like the right opportunity while she's chugging her 3rd or 4th beer, but I didn't want to make something up because I was going to tell her the truth at some point, and I didn't want her to look back and know I lied to her. So I told her we've been trying for a year. And when she asked if we were on Clomid or trying IVF, I finally told her that we'd had 3 miscarriages. I know it was just not the right time to get into it, but I also didn't know how to get out of it.

I did feel better just being honest. It was so much easier for me than saying, "I'm going low carb." Though, I did kind of lie about actually being pregnant. But whatever.

Another friend asked me about the not drinking too, and I told her the same thing. That we're trying to get pregnant. It was actually much easier to say that than to give some other flimsy excuse. I guess I didn't want people to know we were even trying because I didn't want them to ask how it was going, and potentially bring up something painful. But if anyone does ask if we're pregnant yet before I'm ready to tell them, I decided to be honest and say, "If there's something you need to know, I'll tell you. You don't have to ask." I just have to figure out how to make it sound less bitchy.

On the pregnancy front, I'm 4 whole weeks. It seems so inconsequential, but we all gotta start somewhere! I had the worst heartburn of my entire life after eating a turkey burger yesterday. Literally felt like the acid was burning a whole through my esophagus into my heart. Brutal! And my boobs feel full, but not really tender. I wanted to wait until I actually missed my period to call the doc, which I'll do in the morning. I just wish I could fast forward three or four weeks. I feel positive about everything, but I'm still nervous. It's like sleeping with one eye open.

Friday, January 8, 2010

In the Meantime...

Well, once again, I'm pregnant!!! I've been an emotional wreck the past week (my poor hubby), and the wondering was driving me even nuttier, so I did an early test (AF's not due until Tues). This is the first time I've done a pregnancy test without my husband being home. I did it without him because I thought it was too early to be positive, and I didn't want two of us to be disappointed by a solitary line.

Anyway, there was a definite line on two different tests. Of course, I was really excited. This time (unlike our try last cycle), I knew that I was pregnant. I didn't want to fully admit it to myself because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I knew. And I was right.:) DH is golfing today, and I can't wait to tell him.

I'm pretty happy. But after 3 miscarriages, it's hard to let myself really feel that happiness. The innocence is gone. It's still so very early, and there's a chance for an ectopic pregnancy (according to my HSG results). My 2nd miscarriage was 4 days after my expected period, and with that one, I did an early test as well. So I'm cautiously optimistic and mostly very scared.

Of course, the only person who will know for a long while will be my DH. It's just really hard for me to lie. It's times like this that I regret my crazy, wild single days because everyone who knows me, knows I love a good cocktail, and will almost never turn down a glass of quality wine. I have a bunch of social activities this weekend (one of which is celebrating my friend's bday at an English pub), and I have to figure out how to effectively lie to people. I decided on telling them I'm on the South Beach diet, and can't have any sugar or alcohol (a few friends know I did that diet before I got married, so I should be able to get away with it).

Whatever story I come up with, I hope in a few months, I'll be able to share the truth with everyone. I'm crossing every body part I can cross and hoping against hope that that will happen. And in the meantime, I watch and I wait...