Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Saying Goodbye and Hello!

Wow, not only are we ending another year, we're ending another decade! The last decade I closed out--1999--I was twenty-three, living in Chicago and gearing up to go to a big club to ring in the year 2000!! Prince's 1999 was on a constant rotation on almost all the radio stations, everyone was freaking out over Y2K, and my only worries were my outfit and if I would meet a cute guy to kiss at midnight. Ah, the simple life.

Overall it's been a great decade. I moved to beautiful California, saw more of the world than I ever thought I would, and spent most of the decade with the love of my life and now husband. I would have never guessed ten years ago, that I would be on this journey to have a child. I hope that 2010 brings peace in that department. I hope it brings me closer to my family and friends. I'm glad to be wrapping up this year. It's been the most painful year of my life, and I hope to never have to endure that kind of pain again. So, peace out, 2009! Thanks for the lessons I've learned and the good times, because there were some. That being said, I'm looking forward to a clean slate, a new start. I truly hope every one has a very happy new year, and that we all find what we're looking for!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Feeling Funky

I guess it's the holidays, but I've been in a terrible funk :( I've just been sad. And even when I feel okay, and things seem fine, there's just this undercurrent of sadness. I decided I should probably start seeing some professional about it. I've thought about therapy in the past, before all of this TTC stuff, at various points in my life. My best friend has gone pretty regularly since college. She loves it because, as she says, "I get to talk about myself and my problems, and totally hog the conversation without feeling guilty about it." Sounds like something I need to do.

I guess the biggest problem is I feel really withdrawn from everyone lately, except my DH. We spent Christmas alone, just the two of us. Both of our families live across the country, and we decided after our trip in November, to stay home for the holidays this year. It was actually perfect. We opened gifts, made a huge, delicious dinner together, and went to see Avatar (which was awesome!) I don't think either of us would have had it any different.

But I just feel detached from everyone else. My sister and I aren't very close, but normally I call her and my 15 year old niece every holiday. But not this Christmas (my sister didn't call me either. My niece called on Xmas eve, but I didn't call her back--awful, I know!). I feel terrible. And all day on Christmas I kept thinking, I'll call in a little while; I'll call after I finish x, y, z. Until it was too late to call. The only person I spoke to on Xmas was my mom, and that was a brief conversation. I also have no real desire to talk to any of my close friends. I don't have the energy or the inclination.

Ths week, I'm supposed to get together with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a couple of months. I've already sworn to myself that I will not cancel, no matter how tempting it is. My goal this week is to force myself to make those phone calls and connect with people, whether I want to or not. And for 2010 to find a professional I can talk to. I really hope this is a phase.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I took another test and yes--it's definitely negative. I've accepted it. I'm ready to look forward and try again the next time...without progesterone.

I went to a little dinner party at a friend's house Sunday night. This friend (we'll call her J) and I used to be pretty close. But over the past 3 or 4 years, we've grown apart. She knows about the miscarriages, but I haven't really talked to her in months. We've grown apart for other reasons, and it was something in the works long before our TTC issues.

Anyway, she hosted the party. We arrived, and of course she offered us wine, which I declined. At this point, I know I'm not pregnant, but I just wasn't ready to have alcohol. So when I said, "No thanks, I'll just have water;" she replied, "What? Are you sure? Come on! I got your favorite wine. Why aren't you drinking?" Then she gasped, "OMG, are you pregnant?" Of course, all conversation stopped and everyone looked at me. "Um, no I'm not," I said awkwardly. "I just don't feel like drinking." "Awww,"she said with a pout. "Okay."

I was so annoyed! I was thinking, gee thanks for bringing it to everyone's attention! Knowing that we've been having a rough time, shouldn't that imply that pregnancy isn't a topic I want to discuss at a dinner party? Especially in front of people that have no idea?! Then when everyone left, she said, "So are you guys doing injections? My friend did IVF and when she was doing injections, she wouldn't drink." Trying really hard not to roll my eyes, I said, "No. No injections. I just got really drunk at the Christmas party last night and I swore I wouldn't drink tonight." Finally, she dropped it. I hated to have to resort to lying, but it was either that or hurting her feelings. My feelings, of course, don't matter. It's about protecting everyone else's feelings and making them feel comfortable! Ugh!

So annoying! I could excuse it if she knew nothing of what we'd been through this year, but she does know. How tactless! I just don't think I would ever do that--especially to someone who I knew was having trouble. I just don't know what people think. Or if they think.

Anyway, I may be a little sensitive right now. I've been really irritable lately.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

So I'm at the tale end of my two week wait. My RE told me to test on Sunday. I of course, did one yesterday because I was dying to know, and it was negative. I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try, the more I think about it. Part of me really thinks that this time, I'm not pregnant. Even though I'm taking the progesterone religiously, I have zero symptoms. Zero...zilch...nada...And I read that progesterone can actually give you side effects that may mimick pregnancy symptoms. None for me! I never really had PMS other than moodiness and occassional breast tenderness. I wonder if that means I wouldn't be prone to side effects of hormonal changes? I guess that's something else I can google in my spare time!

I'm trying not to get discouraged about it. I'm trying to wait patiently for Sunday. It's just tough. My DH is so ready. I was reading a questionnaire from a seminar I went to for work, and I asked him what his short and long term goals are. He replied, "to be the most amazing father I can be." Great goal. Seriously. But it just makes me feel so crappy because I'm thinking, I want to give both of us that so badly. My heart just broke into a million pieces when he said that.

I was ready for kids first. While we were engaged, we used to go back and forth about when to start trying. I wanted to try the spring after we got married (which would have been Apr or May of this year), he wanted to wait until Jan of 2010. Because we'd already been together for five years before we got engaged, it used to really annoy me. Finally I said, "listen, I'm going off the pill for my birthday (in May). I don't care what you think or say, that's it!" It was so frustrating because at the time I was thinking, we're both in our 30s, how much longer was he willing to wait?

Anyway, last Christmas eve (our first married Christmas together), we decided to open one gift that night and save the rest for Christmas day. I hadn't finished wrapping the gift I wanted him to open, so I ran into the guest bedroom to do it. A few minutes later, we exchanged prezzies. Mine was wrapped in a ton of paper and was about the size of a credit card. As I started unwrapping, I was thinking, oh he got me a gift card from BCBG (my favorite store that I can't really afford). "Is it a BCBG gift card," I asked. He looked totally deflated. "Did you go through my wallet and look at my receipts?" he asked. "No, I just guessed," I smiled as I ripped through the rest of the wrapping paper.

But what I uncovered wasn't a gift card, it was my birth control...with all the pills gone. I was still in the middle of the pack, so I was really confused. I just stared at it for a minute thinking, did he dig this out of the trash? He had this goofy smile on his face and he said, "don't you get it? I'm ready. I want us to have a baby." "Really?!" And of course, the waterworks started.

And that was the beginning. We waited one cycle and then decided not to try, but not to prevent, and boom. BFP #1 in February. We were so ecstatic and so naive. It makes me smile when I think of our elation when we got that first BFP. Before we knew how horribly things could go wrong. I guess I should have known things were just a little too perfect.

Apparently my anxiety is contagious because he's been feeling really anxious lately too. When we saw the negative pregnancy test the other day, we both shrugged it off because we both think I probably won't be pregnant anyway. Of course, we won't know for sure for a few more grueling days. But he confessed that he's been thinking about it a lot, and feeling really worried and anxious about everything going well, and thinking about all the what if's.

As I sit watching the clock, willing the hands to move just a little bit faster, I really hope things are different this time. That things are positive and normal! Just normal!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

So Happy For You

On a non TTC/miscarriage note, I read the book, I'm So Happy For You by Lucinda Rosenfeld during my vacation. I've definitely been craving light, easy reads lately and this totally fit the bill. It didn't get really, really good until the end, but it was definitely entertaining. It's about the love/hate relationship between two women that have been "friends" for fifteen years. And although it was extremely dramatic (and the characters really petty), I could see little bits of myself in the main two characters, Wendy and Daphne. At the same time, I didn't really like the implication that all female friendships are as toxic as the ones in the book.

Daphne was the beautiful friend who always had a different boyfriend, loved to date older, married men and had tons of drama in her life. Wendy was her quieter, more plain best friend who supported her through all her crises. Wendy's life seemed more together on the surface, but she married a deadbeat and had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no luck while jealously watching all of her girlfriends get pregnant and have kids with no problem (I can totally relate to that!). It was when Daphne got pregnant accidentally that she really lost her mind.

It went a little overboard with how we women love each other but can be really mean and catty toward one another. Some of the scenarios were completely ridiculous, but I guess it was the author was trying to make the point that female relationships can be dramatic and ugly at times. And although the book really went over the top in trying to get this point across, I did have to reflect on some of my own friendships after reading it.

There's a lot of gossiping, usually under the guise of being a concerned friend, when really they're just dying to tell someone a juicy story. I've definitely been in this boat. And I admit it, I do like to hear gossip. I tell it to, but I am careful about who I do my gossiping with. Like, I don't gossip about coworkers to other coworkers (unless it's someone I really trust and there are only a couple of those at work). I also gossip a lot with my mom because she's always curious about what's going on in my friends' lives, and I know she won't call them telling them what I said!

I do think that female friendship dynamics are much more complicated than male friendships. We can be competitive and catty with one another. But in my experience, when I do feel that way with girlfriend, it's a fleeting thing. It's definitely not all consuming the way it is in the book.

But as much as I gossip or love to hear gossip, I truly value my girlfriends. Even when they make me crazy, I don't know what I'd do without them.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Here We Go...

After a lot of thought, flip flopping, debates with my husband and finally a phone call with the RE, I decided to go ahead and try again this cycle. I think 95% of my hesitation was fear. And I don't think that's going to go away whether we try now, or in a month or in two months.

It's almost impossible not to be excited. My RE advised me to get an ovulation predictor kit, even though we never used that in the past. She wants me to know when my LH surge is so that she can prescribe progesterone at the right time (4 days after the surge). This time we are trying extra folic acid as well as the progesterone. Neither of those are guaranteed to help, but they can't hurt either (so my RE says). So now we "baby dance" and wait. I used the test that gives you the happy face when your surge is on, and I got my happy face yesterday. I was trying to be cool and collected, but I couldn't help feeling a little giddy.

I am not, however, giddy about the two week wait. I know from past experience that the two week wait sucks! The days seem to drag on and on, even if you're busy. I keep looking at the calendar, looking at my work schedule, thinking of what I'm going to do on my days off, hoping I can put it out of my mind so that the time goes by a teensy bit faster. It's crazy!

In the past, the getting pregnant part hasn't been a problem at all. With my luck, I'm afraid that this time it may not be so easy. I hate to be cynical, but I've learned to expect the unexpected. Yet, I'm trying to stay positive. It's like I'm having this weird internal tug of war between happiness and fright. I never knew a person could feel terrified and really excited at the exact same time.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Despite the unexpected twists and turns I've had in my life lately, I have so much to be thankful for. So on this Thanksgiving, I decided to make a list. Because sometimes, I do forget...

1. My first and only true love, best friend, and favorite person to hang out with--my loving husband. There was a time in my life that I really didn't think I'd ever find the right guy. I was afraid I would have to settle for "good enough." Then he came along. It wasn't a storybook romance at first. He had a bit of a reputation. He was the guy that your friends warned you to stay away from, so I definitely had a wall up initially. I'm so happy I listened to my instincts. And I truly am thankful for him every day.

2. I'm thankful for my wonderful mother, who sacrificed so much to send her children to private school. She wasn't perfect (what parent is?), but she always had my best interests at heart. I would never be where I am today without her.

3. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had to travel and see parts of the world I had only read about. Sometimes I think of all the money I'd have in the bank if I hadn't done some of those trips. But the experiences I gained are priceless.

4. I'm thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones. As a nurse in an ICU, I see so much suffering from kids as young as 18 or 19 to great great grandmothers and grandfathers. Whenever I start feeling really sorry for myself, I just have to go to work to realize that it can always be worse. It doesn't always help, but sometimes it does.

5. I'm thankful for each of my pregnancies. Although they didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I never knew I was capable of so much love for someone I had never even met.

Unfortunately, I have to spend my Thanksgiving at work, but I hope everyone enjoys their feasts!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Well, all my testing is done and "normal-ish." I don't have celiac disease (I didn't really think I did in the first place, but it was worth checking out), my eggs are okay according to my FSH and E2. My DH gets his turn tomorrow. He gets to give a semen sample, which he's been trying to get out of, but I said listen, after all the crap I've been though--countless vaginal ultrasounds, blood draws, and the very unpleasant HSG...pardon my french, but jerking off in a cup just doesn't seem that bad....sorry.

At the appointment with my RE 3 weeks ago, she said we could try whenever we wanted. And we want to go for it ASAP, but I'm also terrified. Since I got back from our trip, I've been trying to eat more organically, cut back on sugar, zero alcohol. I stopped drinking caffeine a few months ago, but I'm thinking of even giving up my decaf coffees (which I only drink 3-4 times/week). Yet deep down, I know that if a pregnancy is meant to be, there ain't a whole lot one can do to F it up. I mean, crack addicts and meth addicts have babies. Somehow, I highly doubt they're taking their daily folic acid and going to their prenatal checkups religiously. Just a guess.

I just don't want to mess anything up. And I know most of it is out of my hands. I'm usually pretty laid back, and try not to worry about what I can't control. What I'm worried about is that there is something that I can control that I haven't thought about yet. Diet, vitamins (I've been taking 4mg of folic acid), exercise, research, bloodwork, more research...What if I'm missing something? What if there's something more I can do, some test I can ask for or some new therapy I can inquire about? And at the same time, I'm kind of sick of researching things.

In retrospect, my RE seemed a little nonchalant. I mean, she did spend an entire hour-plus with us. But if I weren't offering up suggestions/asking questions, I think she would have just sent us on our merry way. I'm thinking, what good are you doing me right now? Why did I come here? What can you tell me that I don't already know? She did say we could try progesterone supplements with our next pregnancy. But didn't elaborate. (I emailed her yesterday about that). And is progesterone appropriate when 2 out of 3 miscarriages had to be induced?

So my husband wants to try this cycle (I should O on Sunday or Monday). Part of me does, and part of me wants to wait one more cycle. And I really don't have a lot of time to decide. I know I have to do what's comfortable for me, and he's okay with whatever I want, ultimately. But it's a hard decision. I just don't want to get it wrong...again.

I think I'll see what she emails back about the progesterone thing and go from there. Yesterday I felt okay about everything, today I'm just frustrated. I guess I just want someone to had me a sheet of paper titled..."Everything You Need To Do to Prevent Another Miscarriage." And I want specific instructions, tailored specifically to me, telling me all the do's and don'ts. I want a Magic 8 ball that will tell me it's going to be all right this time. I want hope.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Back in the Saddle

I'm back from an amazing vacation! We went to Portugal, rented a car and drove all over the country for two weeks (also to Sevilla in Spain). It was like a second honeymoon for us. Our first stop was Lisbon, which I absolutely loved. It was hilly, with these wonderful winding streets that kind of reminded me of San Francisco . They even have a bridge that looks exactly like the Golden Gate!

From there we went to Porto in northern Portugal. They're known for their port wine. Another hilly city (we were definitely getting our exercise!!), we went wine tasting, took a boat ride on the Douro river, and just walked the winding, cobblestone streets. It was cloudy and/or rainy the entire first week, but so romantic.

From Porto, we drove south to a region known as the Algarve. It's a resort area that encompasses all of southern Portugal and because it was low season, it felt like we had most of the area to ourselves. We spent one night in Lagos and took an amazing boat ride. They had these reddish orange cliffs that dropped right off into the ocean, complete with caves and grottos. Unfortunately, the water was just cool enough to make it too cold to swim in (at least for me!).

Next, we went to a town about 10 minutes away called Albufiera and met up with my husband's 21 year old cousin who lives in England. He's a really good, sweet kid and we hadn't seen him since our wedding last year. We drove to Sevilla with him...another town that we fell in love with. I love Spain and Spanish food (the food in Portugal was okay, but 90% of our dishes were drenched in oil--coincidence?).

We spent the last night of our vacay alone in Lisbon. It was magical. My hubby told me he booked us in this kind of dumpy hotel we stayed in our first time around. But when we got there, he pretended he was lost (which was easy to believe because every town we drove into was like driving through a maze) and pulled into this beautiful 5 star hotel. It was an awesome surprise. Just what we both needed.

We had a 5 1/2 hour layover in Munich, so we took a bus to the city center, and looked around a cathedral and had lunch at the infamous brewery, Hofbrahaus.

The trip was tiring, but I wish I could just relive the whole two weeks. And although I enjoyed almost every second of the trip, it was really nice to come back home.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Expect The Unexpected

<Sorry for the extra long post. I started it and saved it, then added more. But I won't be posting for a while (not that I post often anyway!) because we're leaving the country tomorrow (yay!)>

Here I sit at work, watching the clock, and counting the hours until my vacation starts. Boy, do I need one! I'll be super busy until my flight. Naturally, I haven't packed yet because that would make too much sense. I have an appointment with my hairstylist, and at the nail salon for a mani/pedi (I've been putting it off, and boy do my nails need it! I almost cringe looking at them right now...) I have to do laundry and get the apartment clean (b/c I hate coming home after a great vacay to a messy apartment!) And I have the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for with bated breath for almost two months now.

I can't believe my appointment is just hours away. I've been planning, researching, making lists of questions (boy, she's in for a treat!), and wondering what the heck she's going to say to me. I got the HSG on Thursday. And yes, it was very painful for about two or three minutes during the procedure (but when you're in intense pain, two or three minutes is a long time!). I asked the doc if he could tell me what he was seeing as he went along, and of course he said no. (I work as nurse in an ICU. I see them dodge questions they don't want to answer all the time).

But the tech was nice enough to let me look at the images after he left. I'm no radiologist, but I could see my uterus (couldn't tell anything with that), and I could see my left fallopian tube clearly; but I couldn't see the right as clearly. I didn't think much of it at the time because I'm no radiologist, and I thought my untrained eye couldn't be trusted. During the test, he asked me to turn to the left and then to the right. I turned left with no problem, but I was in so much pain, that I kind of just tilted a bit to the right, and he said that was fine. So I thought, maybe I just didn't turn enough. But since the radiologist is there viewing the images, and giving the instructions, he should/would have noticed that.

Anyway, my OB woke me up at 8:30 the next morning and told me the results. My uterus was fine. My left fallopian tube was fine, but the right showed some adhesions (scar tissue) that could have been from a prior pelvic infection. So when I get pregnant again, come in early so they can make sure it's not ectopic. Oh, okay great. Awesome. Another thing I have to worry about for future pregnancies. Exactly what I needed.

Then I thought, how could this have happened? I've always been diligent about getting checked for every STD under the sun after being with a new partner (and I can count them on one hand). So if I had an STD that could have lead to a pelvic infection, I would have known. So it must have been the last miscarriage because it was so drawn out. Of course, I didn't have time to process any of this because I was asleep when he called, so all I could do was say, "Okay...okay... really? hmm...well, thanks for calling."

So anyway, I was upset, of course. Sad and crying and ticked off. The one thing I wasn't worried about was my fallopian tubes. I used to think, surely they're fine if I got pregnant three times, right away. I never considered it to be a possibility. I'm just going to ask the RE about it tomorrow, and see what words of wisdom she has for me. Now that it has sunk in, I'm just throwing my hands in the air like, now what?

Addendum: Saw the RE today, and she wasn't that concerned about the HSG findings. She thought that it looked a little ambiguous, and it was really hard to tell if there was truly scar tissue there. Bottom line, she didn't think it was anything to worry about, or try to fix. All the blood work was negative, so she didn't have much to say about that. I asked her to order an FSH and estradiol level because my mother had early menopause. I also asked her to test me for celiac disease because I read about a correlation between RPL and celiac (and the symptoms of celiac in an adult can be very subtle. Plus, I figured they tested me for every other thing that is a remote possibility, why not add one more?) And basically, she said we could start TTC again when we were ready. Whenever we get pregnant again, they'll draw my progesterone level and possibly give me progesterone during the pregnancy and go from there. They'll also test my husband's semen for abnormal sperm.

So that's where I am. She was really nice. I don't know if I got any real insight. She put me in the "unexplained" category, which I kind of knew. She did a transvaginal ultrasound (like, my fifth in the past two months), and didn't see anything that stuck out as grossly abnormal. I'm going to try not to over analyze it right now. I have two weeks of vacation to think about it. In a way, I feel better...especially about the HSG findings. Again, I keep trying to think of something really profound that she said, and there wasn't much. She did answer all my questions and gave me plenty of time, without ever making me feel rushed. So although I don't feel like she waved her magic wand and solved all my issues, at least my anxiety level has gone down a bit. So, we'll see...

In the meantime, I have some packing to do!

Friday, October 30, 2009

October 30, 2009

I'm not sure how today is going to turn out. It's October 30th. My first EDD. My best friend since college flew out from Chicago yesterday, which has been amazing. She's one of those people that always says the right thing, or nothing at all. She's never been pregnant. Never been through anything like what I've gone through in the past few months, but she's been a great source of support for me.

I've been dreading this day all month. My hubbie and I went out with friends at the beginning of this month, and had a fabulous time. We came home, got ready for bed, and I burst into tears, and cried for what felt like hours. I don't know what triggered it, but it was the first time it hit me that this month was the month.

Right now, at just after 2 am, Oct 30th, I don't know how I feel. My bestie and I just finished a $50 bottle of wine, my DH is sound asleep, and I'm awake...feeling almost numb. No one asks for this. No one expects this. I've cried more in 2009 than I can remember. And to be honest, I don't know if I have any tears left. I just feel broken, and scared and weird and confused and unsure. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to freak out? Am I supposed to scream and cry and throw things? Am I supposed to go about my day as if everything is normal and October 30th means nothing to me?

The one thing I will do is go to Half Moon Bay. It's a beach town here in the San Francisco Bay area that my DH and I went to the day we learned of the miscarriage. I was in a stunned, terrible state, and he took me there and we sat on the beach and held each other and cried together. He never cries. Except for our wedding day, I had never seen him shed a tear in the seven years we've been together.

It's supposed to be a great weather day today. Clear skies, a little cool, but warmer than usual for this time of year. I think about what I would have been doing, had things not gone wrong. I miss what was to be our much. And no matter what happens after today, I'll never forget him/her; or any of the other losses. It has forever changed me.

I don't know how today will turn out, or what state of mind I'll be in as the day progresses. And even though I can't quite articulate my feelings right now, or my pain, I know that somehow we'll make it through this. I think I have to believe that.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Now What?

So I finally was able to get my blood work drawn last week for my recurrent miscarriage workup. I had been waiting for that for weeks, and I had never been so happy to have a needle stuck in my arm (twice because the very sweet blood drawer missed the first time).

And thanks to modern technology, I get the results of the tests as soon as the doctors do...and they're all negative. Which makes me wonder, now what? I do have a special Xray to get this Thursday called an HSG, which could tell us something, or nothing; and I finally have an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist next week. It actually falls the day before my husband and I leave for a two week getaway to Portugal.
So I'm hopeful, and a little excited to start trying again (after we get the thumbs up from the specialist, of course). But also nervous and scared and very curious about what the doc is going to say to us next week. I'm just glad we have the appointment before we go away, so that we can hopefully have a relaxed, stress free vacation. One more week...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Follow Up

I haven't written on this blog in a while. Originally, I started to blog out of boredom. I always enjoyed writing, and thought it would be a fun way to talk about life as a newlywed, and travel. But then the miscarriages happened, and they have forever changed my life. It has without a doubt brought my husband and me closer together. We both hurt over it, but in different ways. He feels pain over the losses. But he's more worried about me and keeping me happy.

Of course, I think about the losses every single day. It's never far from my mind. Most days I feel fine. I can talk about it to anyone in a matter of fact way, and it hurts, but I can get through it. I've held my friends' newborns, and have been truly happy for them. But then I'll have a day or two where I'm sobbing, and anything will make me cry. A friend saying the wrong thing (people say really stupid shit sometimes!), a sappy commercial, anything. And on those days, I don't want to see or talk to anyone except my husband.

My first due date is creeping up. October 30th. And that's been painful. Other than the first few weeks after the first miscarriage, I never thought about how far along I would be or anything. Now I think about it every day along with everything else.

But the waiting has been the hardest part. The last miscarriage took weeks to complete. I took medication to induce it, bled for a week and a half, then had this reddish brown stuff for two weeks. I had a followup ultrasound that showed that not everything had been expelled, so I got more medication. The medication sucks because you have severe, severe cramps. This time I also got a low grade fever and was so uncomfortable, it felt like what labor is probably like. Which didn't help the process mentally at all. After a week and a half, we checked the ultrasound again, and there was still stuff there. I still had a positive pregnancy test. So my doctor scheduled a D & C (dilation and curettage, where they suction out and scrape your uterus to empty it) for as soon as his schedule allowed, which was the following week.

Then about 3 days before it was scheduled, I spontaneously expelled it. And as soon as I saw it, I knew it was done. I went in for another ultrasound, and took a home pregnancy test right before, and it was negative. The ultrasound was clean and I avoided the D & C (thank goodness!). Other than dragging out a painful process, what also sucked was that all the testing my doctor wanted to do had to be delayed until a few weeks after my HCG (pregnancy test) went to zero. That happened quickly once everything was expelled.

I was hoping to have all the testing done by now. But now I have to wait another two weeks. It's hard because I want to know what's going on. I want to know what the treatment options are, so that we can hopefully move on.

On a superficial level, I've gained like ten pounds in the last seven months, which is a lot for me. At first it was because I was afraid to work out with each pregnancy. Then, I was too depressed to work out. Now, I'm just lazy. Yes, I'm still depressed at times, but not enough to excuse my extreme laziness. I keep thinking, working out would feel so good, but I don't feel like it. And eating really fatty foods is so bad for me, but it tastes so good! I have gone to the gym a couple of times in the past month, and felt good about it, but I just can't keep it up for some reason. Yet, I hate what I see in the mirror. We're going on vacation in 3 weeks. All I own are bikinis. And that's the last thing I want to wear right now.

The whole thing about these miscarriages is looking for hope. You just want hope that it will be okay one day, and that you will have a child and you can put this all behind you. I've read so many things from message boards and blogs, to medical texts (I bought 2), and journal articles, and the conclusion that I've come to is no one really has any answers. They don't really have any concrete treatment. They have treatments, of course, but none are like the gold standard in recurrent pregnancy loss. It's kind of up to the doctor you choose and their personal philosophy on how to handle it. Like with most cancers, it's like, oh you have this type of cancer, this is the chemo and radiation protocol shown to shrink your type of cancer. For RPL, it's like, we don't truly know what works without a shadow of a doubt, so try this and good luck.

But I haven't seen my RE yet. That's in 3 weeks. So I'm trying to stay positive...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Smart Phone?

After having cell phone envy the past few months (almost all of my friends have iPhones these days), I finally got a smart phone. I'm with Sprint and I wasn't ready to switch carriers, so I decided to try the Palm Pre. Most people I know love their iPhone. The only complaint I ever heard was the reception wasn't that great. Some people had a few problems with the keyboard, although they all said you eventually get used to it. I tried typing on the keyboard and I was definitely clumbsy with it. Since my cell phone is my only phone, reception is really important to me, so I decided to keep my carrier for now and try the Pre.

This phone is definitely more fun than my last phone that did nothing extra. I can browse the intenet. I have GPS and Google Maps. But my friends with iPhones have more apps to choose from. The Around Me app tells you anything from bars to shopping near wherever you are. The Palm has a similar app called Where. But I tried it last night, and it just wasn't as efficient as Around Me. It took me a few steps to get it to work. Also iPhone has a golf app that my husband is dying of course, is not on the Palm right now. I can look at my facebook account with the Palm, which is great. The newsfeed is accurate, but I can't comment on my friends' status updates on my phone. I can write on my friends' walls, though. But my wall shows posts from weeks ago, no recent posts are on my phone, which is weird.

I do understand that the Palm Pre is a first generation phone. They're still working out kinks, updating the phone and it's supposed to have more apps come out next month, which I can't wait for. The iPhone has been out for over two years, and has had a chance to perfect itself. And I'm still getting used to using a smart phone. So hopefully in a couple of months, I'll get more accustomed to it and maybe I'll be glad I didn't get the iPhone. Right now, I'm on the fence.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

NFL Season Already?

Just saw a commercial for the first preseason games to happen later this week. I can't believe the season is about to start. When I think of football, I think of winter; which means my favorite season, summer will be over soon. Before I met my husband, I knew nothing about football. Had absolutely no interest in it. Football is his favorite sport, so of course, I got sucked in. I now get more enjoyment watching games with him because I have a basic understanding of what's going on.

But my husband is involved in several football pools with his friends and fantasy football, which leads to a virtual football obsession. He buys the magazines, does research. It's almost like a second job. On Sundays, I have no control over the TV and am lucky if I get the computer long enough to check my email. Tomorrow is draft day for fantasy football, and I'm glad that I will not be working. It will be a day filled with stat checks, ESPN, and trash talk with his buddies.

I've participated in his pools a few times, and it does make the games more interesting. I just hate dealing with testosterone surge he gets every week. Okay, I actually think it's kind of cute, but it's fun to give him a hard time about it.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Ray of Light

I wasn't going to write about this again, but I decided that it's important to get this story out there because it happens to many women, and hearing other people's stories has really helped me. I recently had a 3rd miscarriage. Ugh! This time, I was totally prepared. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks, and there was no embryo just two little sacs that measured at around 4 weeks. I completely knew that it was going to be a bad outcome. Again, I never felt pregnant. In the past my breasts have at least gotten a little tender. This time, no tenderness, no nothing. A couple of days before the ultrasound, I took a home pregnancy test and the line was kind of faint, considering how far along I was supposed to be. So that prepared me for the worst, though I hoped until the very end that I was wrong.

I decided before the appointment that if it was another bad outcome, I was going to ask for some type of testing or ask to be referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. For some reason, I was preparing for an uphill battle, but my doctor was on the same page without me even having to ask. I'll get another ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis this week, then I'll have to go through the miscarriage process somehow (either taking medication like I did the first time, or letting nature take it's course--I'll probably do the former because I've had no signs of bleeding at all). Four to six weeks after all pregnancy hormone is out of my system, I have to get bloodwork done and a special xray of my uterus to make sure it's normal.

I'm sad about it, obviously. This whole thing has been tough on me and really tough on my husband. We're both ready to be parents, and it's been stressful for him. That's why I'm glad we have to take a break from trying. It'll give us time to relax and regroup. We weren't going to vacation this year because we want to buy a house soon, but we decided--screw it! We're going away in November. Not sure where, but somewhere. I can't wait!

As sad as it makes me feel, I also feel very blessed and hopeful. Blessed because it can always be worse. A coworker is my age, maybe a year younger, and went for her 20 week ultrasound recently. The story is unclear, but after the ultrasound, she lost her baby. I cannot, cannot imagine what she must be going through. She had already started showing. A friend of a friend had her 20 week ultrasound, and it showed severe abnormalities of her fetus. She was told that her baby would not survive more than a couple of hours out of the womb, and the best decision would be to terminate the pregnancy. Again, cannot begin to imagine the hell that must have been for her. I'm thankful that the decision was taken from me.

I'm hopeful because so far, the getting pregnant process has been easy. Each time we've tried, we've gotten pregnant. It's the staying pregnant part that's not gone so well. The tests that will be done may not show a cause. Most cases of recurrent miscarriage have no identifiable cause, sometimes it's just bad luck. If a cause is found, it usually can be easily treated. So although I know the odds are that they won't find anything wrong, if they do find something, it may be treatable. My guess is that it's just been really bad luck. I just think that we've gotten some bad eggs and that a good egg is in there, we just have to find it. I truly believe that we will have a baby someday. It may not be as soon as we'd like, we may not be able to have as many as we want, but I think it will happen. I feel like I can see that little ray of hope at the end of this dark tunnel, and we will get there. Somehow.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Missing My Baby...

My computer died last week, and I feel lost! I have computer access at work, but it's been so busy lately, I barely get a chance to check my email! I can't believe there was a day when I didn't even own a computer and didn't think it was absolutely necessary to own one.

I am new to the blogosphere, and I've been trying to keep up with everyone's blogs and find inspiration for my own, and losing my laptop has been crippling! It should be repaired by the end of this week or early next week. In the meantime, I miss my baby!!!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Gift of a Chance

My mother in law is one of the most generous people I know. Whenever she comes in town for a visit, or I go to Canada to visit her, I'm always greeted with a thoughtful gift. When she was in town in April for a visit, we went shopping and I picked up some 800 thread count sheets that were on clearance. I was so excited because I got a great deal and I love high thread count sheets. On my next visit to Canada, guess what she put on the guest bed? High thread count sheets! Now, I'm not some prima donna that can't sleep on anything but expensive sheets, but I thought what she did was so sweet and thoughtful.

Well, during that same trip, I mentioned a raffle that is going on in nearby San Francisco. The grand prize is a home valued at 2.4 million dollars or 1.8 million dollars cash. Plus there are a bunch of other prizes. The tickets cost $150. I talked to her about the raffle and told her I wanted to enter, but just couldn't wrap my head around dropping that kind of money for a 1 in 37,000 chance of winning the grand prize. The chances of winning some other prize are 1 in 300, which I guess is good if you consider the chance of winning a lottery. But I still couldn't bring myself to do it. Well, I got a raffle ticket from her for my birthday back in May. Again, so sweet.

Now the raffle is next Saturday, and I haven't thought about it much since I got the ticket. Now I'm thinking, Oh my God, what if I win? With us looking at buying a home soon, that money (we'd take the money, not the house) would solve all of our problems. We could buy our dream home, and pay for it in cash. I know the odds are slim but I'm still holding out hope. You never know. Someone has to win!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Like, seriously?

I just finished watching a couple week old episode of Real Time with Bill Maher, one of my husband's favorite shows. I think Bill is funny, and watching makes me feel a little smarter and politically aware. I don't closely follow politics. But I think everyone was riveted by our latest presidential race. A race that brought many people into the limelight that we never knew...Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, and her boyfriend Levi, and John McCain's daughter, Meaghan.

She was a guest on Real Time, which she felt was a ballsy move because she's very much Republican, and Bill is unabashedly liberal. She looked really cute when she came on. Cute hair, great makeup. And she made her two stances clear immediately. Abstinence is stupid; and "I want to make the Republican party cooler." Any topic other than those two subjects and she seemed a little lost. And to be honest, sounded really dumb. Bill was trying to be nice by directing conversations not related to her two favorite subjects to the other three guests, but Meaghan just had a need to put her two cents in. But whenever anyone said something opposing anything she had to say, she looked like her feelings were hurt. She'd pout, and at one point I thought she was going to cry.

There was one moment that I thought was great! Bill brought up some political subject that Meaghan felt compelled to chime in on, and one of his other (older) guests (Paul Begala) countered what she said with an argument that compared it to something that happened when Reagan was first running for office. In lieu of an intelligent response, Meaghan interupted with, "I wouldn't know, I wasn't born yet." And Paul came back with, "Well, I wasn't born when the French revolution started, but I know about it!" I thought that was awesome, and it totally put her in place. I think that was the point where she almost broke down.

One one hand, I felt sorry for her because it was pretty obvious her feelings were hurt, and she felt like she was getting attacked. But if she'd ever watched the show, she'd know that it's all about debate and banter. No one is truly attacking anyone personally. And I respect her for trying to bring the parties together, and for trying to bring young, cool people into her party. And she is young. She's twenty four, and obviously a little sensitive. But, either way, she was way out of her league. I mean, I would have been to, but sometimes, the most intelligent thing to do, is to just shut up.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Love the One You're With...

I just finished reading Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin, and although I liked it, parts of it left me a bit flabbergasted. It's about a newlywed, Ellen, who married her best friend's husband (Andy), but has unresolved feelings for a guy she broke up with 8 years prior (Leo). She has an ideal life with Andy. He's a wonderful husband with a successful career. He's wealthy, has a wonderful family, they have a great house, he loves his wife to pieces...everything seems perfect. Leo was her first love; a writer who was sexy and a little mysterious. They had an intense connection (both mentally and physically). They spent almost all of their time together, and were borderline obsessed with each other at one point; then it just suddenly ended. He became ambivalent, she became increasingly needy. They broke up and never spoke again.

Ellen ran into Leo one day after not speaking to him for years, and all these old feelings came rushing back. She was just three months into her marriage, ran into her ex once, and suddenly she was grappling with all these emotions she thought were long gone.

One of the things that made me go hmmm was that if she truly loved her husband, how is it possible to have such intense feelings for someone you broke up with years ago? Granted, they never had closure. She broke up with him out of frustration, and they never discussed their relationship issues. I can understand having questions that you want answered, but she had almost the same intense feelings for him as when they first dated.

My husband and I are newlyweds (going on nine months married), and I can't imagine an ex coming between us, no matter how many unresolved issues that ex and I may have. I love my husband so much and have such intense feelings for him that if I did run into an ex (I'm thinking of one in particular), I would want to gloat and say, ha! I found a great guy that treats me like gold, and I am so happy. Thanks for being an asshole so that I could find a good man truly worthy of me. Now fuck off!

I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone that hasn't read it, but it kind of left with (what I thought was) a cynical outlook on love. I know that there are many different types of love, but when you marry someone, particulary as a newlywed, shouldn't it be the blinding, all consuming, can't stop thinking about him kind? I mean, what is love, anyway? Is it an uncontrollable, borderline obsessive emotion that we have no choice with? Like getting hit by Cupid's arrow. If that person is the one that strikes you, that's it. You're doomed (or blessed) to love this person no matter what. Or is it a choice. Can you choose to fall in love with someone that seems perfect on paper? Do you choose to stay in love?

I for one, tried not to fall in love. My husband was the social butterfly, life of the party when we met, and didn't seem like the type who would make a committment to anyone. I was instantly attracted to him, and really liked his personality, but after hearing rumors that he was a "player" (I hate that word!), I decided to treat it as a fling and not take it too seriously. I was twenty-six, single and not at all looking for a serious relationship.

But the more time we spent together, the more I liked him and got to see more of who he really was. He wasn't just the life of the party. He was funny, generous, extremely thoughtful, sweet and honest. He loved his family, cherished his friendships, and treated me with respect. And before I knew it, I was stupidly head over heels. And lucky for me, he was too. I didn't choose to fall in love with him. Honestly, I tried desperately to avoid it. But it was out of my hands. Fate had other plans.

I think that I choose to stay in love, to some extent. I've always been the type of person that goes with their gut in matters of the heart. If I didn't truly love him, I couldn't force it, and therefore couldn't choose to stay in love. But I do choose to work on issues that arise and compromise when appropriate to keep our relationship healthy. I choose to make sure that we have a "date night" at least a couple times a month. I choose to tell him everything because I think honesty is important in a relationship, and holding things back (or lying by omission) can put a relationship on a slippery slope that I don't want to go down. I choose to let him have his guy time (usually via golf once or twice a week, but also the odd poker night), because I know how important that is to him, and how important it is for us as a couple to have a life outside of our relationship. And I do that out of love. So I guess I make choices that I feel will help preserve our love long term. But loving him is just inevitable and out of my control.

After reading her book, I think it's sad to be in a relationship where you're just comfortable, at least in the very beginnning. Where you love the one you're with, but it's not passionate, it's just acceptable, easy. Just seems a bit sad to me. I took a human sexuality class in college, and I remember talking about the stages of love. I don't remember them all, but I do remember learning that love starts out passionately and as a relationship goes on, it ends up as a frienship type of love. But in the beginning it should be passionate. I don't think you should have friendship love 3 months into a marriage!

I read this book on a long flight, and even though the main character was slightly annoying, I zipped right through it. It made me grateful for what I have.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Back to Square One...again:(

Well, six days after my very excited post, I got a very unwelcome surprise--bleeding.

So devastating.

I'm glad that if this had to happen that it happened early...very early. It wasn't as dramatically sad and heart wrenching as the first time, but I definitely had flashbacks to that time. I think about the first miscarriage every day, and even moreso since this last incident.

I keep thinking about how big I would have been. How excited everyone would be. It's more nostalgic than sad. And I think it's hard for anyone to understand who hasn't been through it themselves. I think it's okay to think about it, I'm just trying not to dwell on it.

I have decided not to tell anyone--not even my blog that no one reads--until I'm past the first trimester next time. It's hard to keep it secret when you're so excited, but I think my husband and I have learned our lesson. The untelling is just too hard. He accidentally mentioned it to a friend of his, and I told my best friend and my mom.

I haven't told either of them what happened yet. I worked and then went to Canada to visit my inlaws for a 5 days, came home and immediately went back to work. It's just a lame excuse for procrastination, but I just don't want to deal with it. Telling my best friend will be easy, but my mom not so much. From the second I told her I was pregnant, she asked if it was too soon to tell, and how did I really know the test was accurate. She was skeptical because my 40 year old sister had a few early positive pregnancy tests, then no baby. I understood her asking, but it angered me. She didn't grill me with those questions the first time. But when I started to bleed less than a week after giving her the news, I just felt like....I don't even know how to describe it. I mean, I know she'd never say "I told you so," but that's how I feel. So even though I know she loves me and just wants the best for me, telling her will really suck.

Even though it's completely irrational, I feel like a bit of a failure. Like I screwed up and I can't get it right. The day the bleeding started, I didn't feel like cooking, so I bought a chicken pita from a Greek restaurant near me. I hadn't been to this restaurant since the first pregnancy (I ate a chicken pita from this place at least once or twice a week then. After the miscarriage, I didn't go back). And when the bleeding started that night, I thought, Oh my God, was it the chicken pita? My husband of course assured me that it wasn't a possibility, but said, I bet you won't eat there again. Hell no!

But my rational side says again, there's nothing I could have done this time or last time. And I do understand that. We'll just keep trying. I have to have at least one good egg in there. Like I've said before, the waiting and wondering is one of the hardest parts. I'm just thankful that I have such a wonderful partner to endure this with.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

OMG It Worked!!!

I was supposed to start my menstral cycle this Thursday, and though I wanted to wait at least until Friday to test, I just couldn't wait any longer. So I got the early pregnancy test this morning,'s positive! I'm so thankful, happy, relieved, scared and worried. But mostly ecstatic!!!! I just pray things turn out well.

I'm still slightly shocked, but at the same time, I kind of knew. I could feel myself ovulating, a couple of days later, I could feel the egg traveling down the fallopian tube (sounds crazy, but it does happen to some women). I also had a ridiculous amount of gas, something that happened the first time around. And part of me just knew, but I didn't want to let myself believe it because I didn't want to be disappointed.

But, no need to worry about that. There were definitely two lines, and for a second I thought, what if it's wrong. But you either have pregnancy hormone or you don't....And I do! Thank God, I do!!!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Getting To Know Me

So as it states at the top of my blog, I'm a very private person; and because of that, I'm not in the habit of talking about myself to people. I secretly love it when people ask me about myself and are truly interested in the answers. But I'm never going to be the one to bring the topic of me up.

Anyway, I was reading random blogs (this blog thing is really new to me. I had heard of them in the past but never knew that there were so many out there and so entertaining...I love it!)and I came across Penny Lane's ( blog with questions she wanted answered by other bloggers she'd tagged. Although I was not one of them, I liked the questions, started thinking of my answers and thought, why don't I just stick my answers on my blog?

So here are her thought provoking questions and my responses:

1. If you have a lifelong goal or dream in your mind, do you think you will acheive it?
Lifelong goal or dream? My goals/dreams change often. When I was kid, my dream was to be a singer (until I realized my voice just is not that great). Then I wanted to be a pediatrician (until I realized I would spend most of my twenties studying). The one thing I've always wanted was to be truly loved. And thank goodness, I've found that. Now my goals are to be a great mom (when the time comes--hopefully soon!) and a good wife. May seem lame to some people. But in my job, I see people lose their lives all the time, and what's most important are the friends and family that support them and are there at the end. And as much as career and other goals are important, having people in your life to support and love you is just what life is all about.
2. Is someone's intention more important than their action?
I think it depends on the action. In general, one's intention is more important because some people have good intentions but have no idea how to execute them. Yet, if someone doesn't have the wisdom to make the right choices, then the action matters more, especially if it directly or indirectly hurts other people.
3. You wouldn't be caught, where?

I wouldn't be caught buying or holding a cat. I used to have an irrational fear of cats, and now I just don't like them.

4. Post a pic of the place you'd most like to go in your lifetime.

My husband and I love to travel and have been around the globe together. The one place I'd love to go is Macchu Picchu in Peru. My husband's been there, I've heard so much about it and it looks amazing. I don't know when or if I'll make it there, but it's definitely at the top of my list of places I'd love to see.

5. If your home were on fire and you could only save one photo, what would it be?

This photo of me and my husband in Cambodia. We spent a month in Southeast Asia in late 2004, and spent a few days in Siem Reap visiting Angkor Wat. We're not Buddhist (even though I'm totally fascinated by Buddhist culture), but I just love how happy and serene we look. And I love the two ladies in the background. That trip to SE Asia was the greatest trip I've ever been on. The food, the people, the cultures were all amazing. I did things I never thought I would do, ate things I never thought I would was just magical. As many other far away places that I'd love to visit, I would go back (especially to Thailand) in a second.

6. What is your favorite cupcake flavor?

I really love plain yellow cake with a simple buttercream frosting, and maybe a few sprinkles. Yummy, sweet and to the point.

7. If you could have made the book or books by any author you can think of, which would it be?

Not sure if I completely understand this question, but I love Dr. Seuss' book Oh the Places You Will Go. It's a children's book that I was given when I was twenty three and about to move to California. It resonated a lot with me back then because I was making a big change in my life and for the first time, had no idea what to expect. Every now and then I whip it out and re-read it. It's genius, and it all rhymes!

Well I hope that gives people a chance to learn a little bit about me. Thanks Penny Lane for the great questions!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Yay Me!

Thank God for friends! I talked to my best friend last night. She lives in my home town of Chicago and we've been friends since we were nineteen. What I love about her is that she will tell it like it is. I don't have to worry about her telling me what she thinks I want to hear, because she just doesn't do that. I can count on her to be honest, whether I want to hear it or not. And she finds a way to do it tactfully.

I was complaining about my weight and lack of motivation to work out. And she very gently, but firmly told me to get my ass in gear. We both were stick thin and could eat whatever we wanted in our twenties, and have both gained a little weight so far in our thirties. Her weight ballooned a little a couple of years ago, but she started working out and looks great now. I have to be honest, at first I didn't want to hear it because I totally have told myself everything she was saying to me over and over again for weeks. However, I think I needed someone to just tell me, hey stop groaning about it, get off your ass and do something about it!

I've been trying to get myself to workout again for months. I did finally get back in the gym in February and started taking tons of kickboxing and other cardio classes. Then I found out I was pregnant, and decided to cut back. Then I started fearing that something bad was going to happen with the pregnancy and I stopped altogether, and haven't started again, and put on another 5 lbs. Since the miscarriage, I've been sedentary and I guess a little depressed too. Which my friend touched on as well.

So today, I finally went on a long, strenuous hike. It was hell, but I feel so much better! I definitely do not want to start a "hard core" exercising until I know if I'm pregnant or not; but this was a great start. And as long as I do something consistently, even if I don't lose an ounce, I'll feel better overall. The great part is, my friend is going to hold me accountable by calling or leaving a message on my facebook to say, hey did you do at least 30min. today?" Which is exactly what I need.

I hope I stick with it. One day at a time...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

TTC and the TWW

So I'm officially waiting to see if I get a period next week or not. This may be TMI, but I should know in about 8 days or so. So of course, all I can think about is if I'm pregnant or not. Every slight hint of an abdominal cramp, every time I feel bloated, I wonder if it's a sign.

To help me keep my sanity during this waiting period, I've been looking at blogs and websites of other people trying to conceive. And let me tell ya, it's a whole other world out there. When reading some people's blogs, it's like reading a medical chart if you're not in the medical field. I get the gist of it, but I'm also like, what are they talking about? Abbreviations like TTC (trying to conceive, I deduced), DH (donor husband?), AF (no idea), BFP(come again?).

One of the first times I read blogs was when I had my miscarriage earlier this year. It really helped me to cope. It makes such a difference when you're going through something to "talk" to someone or read the story of someone that has been through the same thing. It was more comforting than talking to my friends, family or even my husband.

So during this waiting period, I decided to search for blogs of other women in my position. Well there are tons of them out there and being a newbie to all the slang, I was feeling a little like the odd man out. Finally I found a website ( that took the guess work out. They have a dictionary for all those mysterious abbreviations that were Greek to me.

TTC=trying to conceive (I was right!)
DH=dear husband (um, okay)
AF=aunt Flo or menstrual cycle (cute)
BFP=big fat positive for a positive pregnancy test (I would have never gotten that one!)
TWW=two week wait

So now I can read those blogs with a little more ease. But there's a part of me (that I try constantly to repress) that's superstitious. And I'm afraid if I read these blogs too much that I will bring having trouble conceiving into my life somehow. I know, completely irrational. And I just started reading them in the past few days, so if we did conceive, I'm already pregnant and it won't matter. I just hope I am pregnant! The waiting game sucks.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Just Do It!

I went hiking today, and it made me realize how totally out of shape I am! It's really annoying. I'm the heaviest I've ever been (thank God for height!), and I can feel it! I went with a friend of mine who is about an inch and half taller than me (I'm 5'9"), and she's complained that she's the heaviest she's ever been too. But that inch and half makes a difference, because I'm only a couple of pounds heavier than her, and she still looks skinny to me. She also did much better walking uphill than I did.

I want to get back in shape, but I hate starting back after such a long hiatus. It's hell starting to workout again. I've done this a million times--getting in shape, getting out of shape, getting in shape again--and the first 2-3 weeks for me is absolute torture. Every time I get back in shape, I swear I'm going to keep up with it so I don't have to go through that adjustment period again. And after today's hike, I'm dreading it even more.

But what's crazy, is I've been talking about doing this for months! And I think this is the longest I've gone without working out in years. Before I got married last October, I had gotten myself into pretty good shape, and I wasn't thrilled with my body, but I was content. We went on a three week honeymoon, got back and I said then that I would rest for a week or two then start again. Well, that never happened. And I've been setting start dates and not doing anything ever since.

I know what I need to do. I just need to stop talking and writing about it and just do it...but now I have another "great" excuse. I want to wait to see if I'm pregnant or not before I start a workout routine. If I am pregnant, I'll just do light to moderate activity and if I'm not, I'll start moderate to intense (like I have in the past). And why don't I just start with light activity until I know for sure. Well, that just makes too much sense and requires too much effort, so yeah. Here I am. The vicious cycle continues...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A Place To Call Home

I live in the Bay area of California, and as most people know, real estate is stupidly expensive. Things have gotten better with the economy lately, but they're still astronomical. Both my husband and I are nurses and we make a pretty decent living. Yet we still can't afford the type of nice property (a reasonably sized house with a reasonably sized yard in a reasonably safe neighborhood) we may be able to afford elsewhere.

It's really frustrating. The more seriously we've started to look for something, the more discouraged I get. We keep lowering the price of what we want to pay because we don't want to end up house poor. Travelling is very important to us. Not only for vacation, but our families are over 2,000 miles away. It is our choice to live here, but we have to be able to afford to visit each of family at least once a year. And as our family (hopefully) grows, that'll become more and more expensive.

We're soon to be first time home buyers, and we can afford a starter home. Something that needs some fixing up or we may end up in a townhome. We can't yet afford the neighborhood we really want to live in. We went to a few open houses for places in our new price range, and I was almost in tears. We'd have to buy somewhere a lot further south than we want to live or buy a still overpriced piece of crap. I don't mind something that needs a little bit of work. I actually think it'd be fun to do some touchups over time and watching a place transform. But some places I've seen so far just need to be completely gutted or bulldozed.

Soooo frustrating! But we're at the very, very beginning of this process. We still need to get preapproved, find an agent, etc. Our lease is up in Feb 2010, and that's our goal for buying a place. Deep down, I'm an optimist and I think that the right place will show up at the right time.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm a Reasonable Person. Why Do I Watch This Sh**?

Against my better judgment, I tuned in to I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Mostly because Heidi and Spencer were going to be on and I was curious what they'd be like without all the flash of their other show. I was actually surprised. Their couple dynamic was totally different on that show than it is on The Hills. They acted like a couple that's totally in love. On MTV, they act like they have the most difficult, trouble ridden relationship out there.

I also discovered that Heidi is totally into Jesus. Not that there's anything wrong with it. She just never shows her Christian values on that other show. Again, this underscores my point from another post that The Hills is super fake. I think they should stop calling it a reality show and call it an improv drama loosely based on the casts' lives. I guess my beef is that they won't openly admit that it's B.S.

Anyway, I'm hoping that watching that one episode of I'm a Celebrity will be it and that I won't watch it again. But with all my other fave shows on summer vaca, that probably won't happen. Oh well. It's mindless entertainment. What's wrong with that?

All I Wanna Do is A Zoom Zoom Zoom and a Boom Boom!

Well, it's officially time for my husband and I to start working on making a baby. It's a very exciting time for him because he's guaranteed some nookie at least daily for at least a week straight. And trust me, I don't mind that at all. But I've never been on a mission during sex before. It's always been spontaneous versus being like, "OK. Today we must make love no matter what! I don't care that you're having an asthma attack...Strip!!!" I'm trying to make it fun, and it is...but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, we gotta do this and do it right.

When we were pregnant last time, it was a spur of the moment decision. We knew I was ovulating on Friday. It was a Tuesday, and we thought okay, we'll give it a try. Totally thinking that the odds were pretty slim. If I were to get pregnant, great. If I didn't, I didn't. Then I did. And we were ecstatic! And although things didn't work out the way we wanted them to, I always think back to that time fondly because we were sooo excited and surprised. And honestly, pretty impressed with ourselves.

So we're praying that we're that "fertile" (for lack of a better word) this time around. I just feel nervous about it. Like, will I be less "fertile" since I'm thinking about it more and planning more than the first time? Is there a such thing as trying too hard when you're trying to get pregnant?

I feel really hopeful. And I'm trying to be patient. Someone recently said, if it's meant to be, it alreaedy is. And I believe that.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

All the Single Ladies...

I always had trouble meeting the right guys in my early twenties. It was really frustrating. If I liked someone, it was almost guaranteed they'd turn out to be an a**hole. Then I met my husband when I was 26, and everyone said he was an a**hole, but he turned out to be the most amazing boyfriend/fiancee/husband I could ever hope for.

I have a lot of great girlfriends my age who all seem to be having the problems I had in my early twenties. They're all great women who are having trouble finding great men. It amazes me that so many cool, amazing women in their early to mid thirties are single--at least most of the ones I know. They've all tried almost everything from the bar scene to online dating, and no luck. I have no idea what advice to give because I don't know what I'd be doing if I were still single today. Times have changed. Even in the past seven years that I've been with my husband. We didn't have Twitter or Facebook. And online dating was still considered a little risque.

In your thirties the stakes of dating totally change, especially if you want to have kids. The biological clock feels like less of a time piece and more like a ticking time bomb. And what do you do? Freeze your eggs (which is what I would probably try to do with my family history of early menopause) or just hope for the best? I actually had a conversation about this with my hair stylist (who is 25). She was complaining that casual dating is starting to feel more serious. She said she's now wondering with every guy she goes out with if he could be "the one." And she hadn't really done that before. Don't focus on that so much and focus on having a good time, I told her. "But I can't get it out of my mind. Even when I try to," she complained. Of course, I assured her that she has plenty of time. "Imagine if you were my age and single like some of my friends," I said. "Oh my God, I would die!" she exclaimed. "Or just married the first guy that I got into a serious relationship with." Really?!

I wonder if anyone has done a study to see if first time marriages last longer when you do it in your thirties or in your twenties? Are we wiser after thirty and therefore make better choices? Or are we more inclined to marry someone sooner than we would have 5-10 years earlier because of that ticking in the back of most of our heads?

Where can an attractive, accomplished woman in her thirties can find a good guy these days? One girlfriend has dated a few guys from work to no avail. Another tried online dating several times, has now given up on it and is going to take golf lessons in hopes of finding someone. Another has a very active social life and has been meeting guys at bars, but none have turned into anything serious. And yet another has done online dating, plays golf, has a slew of other hobbies, is super social and not bad looking in her late thirties, and no luck. So what do you do?

My husband says that you'll never find anyone if you're looking that hard, and that's why they're still single. I don't know what advice to give my single girlfriends. I mostly say a variation of what my hubbie says--the right guy will come along when you're not looking. That's what happened to me, and I've heard other people say it too. It's not that comforting, though. People told me that when I was looking in my early twenties, and I'd roll my eyes. Then it happened...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My Loss

My husband and I dated for six years before we tied the knot. I was 32 when we got married, and though I was never in a rush to have kids, the clock was ticking loudly in the back of my head. My mom went through menopause in her late thirties. My sister has been trying to get pregnant for the past couple of years or so (she's 40), and no luck. So I was thinking, if I want kids, I can't put it off much longer.

We decided to go off the pill on Christmas day 2008. It was our present to ourselves, but we weren't planning on trying right away. We wanted to wait a 3-4 months. But in February, we decided to just let things happen naturally and if I got pregnant, I got pregnant and if I didn't, I didn't.

Well on our first try--literally first try!--we were preggers. I was shocked. I honestly expected it to take a couple of months at least. We were surprised, but so excited. We told our immediate family right away, but decided to wait to tell anyone else because of the miscarriage statistics. The pregnancy seemed too good to be true from the moment I saw the second line on the pee stick. And I didn't want to "jinx" things by telling everyone right away. (I'm slightly superstitious)

I had two brief episodes of nausea before I took the pregnancy test. Once while driving with my husband, and the other was at work. I found it odd because unless I overindulged with alcohol, I've never been nauseous. But the episodes were so brief, I didn't think much of it. After confirming I was pregnant, it made sense. But then that was it. Other than being a lot more bloated than usual, I felt perfectly normal. No nausea, no food aversions, nothing. Both my mother and sister were the polar opposite. My mom had terrible morning sickness with all three of us, and my sister had it with her one child.

I knew that some women just don't have morning sickness, but something just didn't feel right. Deep down, I knew things weren't going the way they should be, but I didn't know what to do. I never thought, "My baby may not survive." But I felt very uneasy and nervous about the pregnancy. I kept thinking, "shouldn't I feel something?" I got reassurances everywhere from my husband, to books, to friends to blogs. Everything was telling me, it's okay that you don't feel nauseous. Be thankful you're in the small percentage of people who don't. But I wasn't thankful. I actually prayed for morning sickness or any sign that would tell me my baby was okay.

My first ultrasound was scheduled for March 24th. I remember counting the days for that date. I thought, once I hear the heartbeat, I can relax. I woke up early and really excited. The appointment was around 830, so I skipped breakfast and my husband and I decided to go out for breakfast after the appointment. I met my OB for the first time. He was a nice, middle aged guy. He asked me how things were going and I told him fine. He asked about morning sickness, and I told him I hadn't really had any. Then he asked about my mom and sister's experiences with morning sickness--they were textbook, I told him. He nodded and proceded to start the vaginal ultrasound, which I wasn't expecting. I thought for sure it'd be the traditional belly one. But I guess the vaginal ones are better early on.

As soon as the image popped up on the screen, I knew it wasn't good. I had seen a video of a friend's ultrasound at nine weeks. The baby was moving around and you could see the heart beating. I was 8 weeks and 3 days, and all I saw was something sitting in the middle of the screen, not moving, not doing anything. I looked at the doctor's face and I could tell he was thinking of a way to say something my husband and I did not want to hear.

I never articulated the word "miscarriage" in my mind. I saw the image, I knew it was bad. I cried myself to sleep a couple of nights out of sheer worry for my baby; but I never thought it could be a miscarriage. We waited a couple of weeks to tell friends. I was waiting for the end of the first trimester to tell my boss and colleagues at work. All because of the statistics, but I never thought it would actually happen. Then it did.

My doctor never said the word either. He just told us what he looks for when he sees an ultrasound. And the one thing mine didn't have was a heartbeat. The embryo also measured too small for how far along I was supposed to be. He left so that I could get dressed and we were to meet in his office down the hall. My husband went to hold me and I pushed him away. I don't remember what I said. I just wanted to get dressed and see what the doctor had to say. I hadn't cried yet.

When we got to his office, he got a call he had to take. We waited for maybe a full five mintues. As we sat in his office, decorated with pictures of his family, of babies he had delivered, it finally hit me. Tears started falling uncontrollably. He made it back to the office, and talked about a lot of things. I was only half listening. I actually said nothing and let my husband do all the talking. One thing he did say that was comforting was that my anatomy looked very normal. I did bring up my mom and sister's reproductive histories and he said not to worry and that the fact that I got pregnant so quickly was a good sign.

For the next week, we waited for nature to take it's course and for the baby to pass naturally. That didn't happen. Ideally, I wanted to wait for him/her to come out when they were ready. However, even though the doctor said that was fine to wait and there was no risk, I was still a little worried about infection. My child had been gone for 2 weeks prior to the ultrasound; and it was going on the 3rd week. Also, my mother in law was going to be visiting from Canada in a couple of weeks, and I didn't want it to happen with her around. So we decided to use a medication called Cytotec. It causes uterine contractions, and therefore helps the baby to pass.

A couple of days before I called for the medication, I had some very light spotting. It wasn't progressing, so we called. Taking it was no problem. I took it around 4pm. I read a lot of other women's experiences online, and a lot of them said, they had cramping and bleeding within an hour of taking it. I laid in bed for an hour, and nothing happened. So my husband and I started watching TV.

Emotionally for that week, I was okay. I felt down, and I cried everyday, but I was able to go to work (I only work 3 days a week). Working actually helped me focus on other things, though it was never far from my mind.

Around midnight, I got really upset. I started crying hysterically for no apparent reason. I had been doing all right until that moment. Then all of a sudden, I ran to the bathroom. That's when the heavy bleeding and cramping started. For the rest of the night, I had strong cramps. I even took a couple of Vicodin to help with the physical pain. But after a few hours, there was no more heavy cramping, just heavy bleeding and passing of large clots.

Long story a bit shorter, for a week I had an idea of what a clinically depressed person must feel like. All I could do was go from bed to couch and back again. Taking a shower every day took a lot of effort. I'd cry intermittently. I just didn't want to leave the apartment or see anyone. What was funny, was sometimes, I was okay. I was able to joke and laugh. Then I'd be very not okay. One night, I cried for about 4 hours straight. I literally could not stop. My husband was at a loss for what to do, and just watched me helplessly, stroking my back. The next day, we decided to go away. I had not left the apartment since we took the medication.

We drove to a town called Ojai, about 30 miles SE of Santa Barbara. We stayed at an awesome resort. It was exactly what I needed--a reason to get dressed and leave the house! The weather was warm and sunny. Even though it was just a 5 hour drive, it felt like we were a million miles away.

Even though I understand, physiologically why the miscarriage happened (something was chromosomally off, it was nature's way, the baby wouldn't have survived long past birth if it grew to term, etc.); it still sucks. I'm ready to be pregnant right now. Other than losing the baby, the worst is the fear that it may happen again. My odds of it happening are no different than a woman who hasn't had a miscarriage, but it's still anxiety provoking.

It sounds melodramatic, but this miscarriage is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I've never lost anyone that I loved before. I loved that baby so much; even though I never saw or touched him/her, the second I found out I was pregnant, a love and protectiveness I've never felt before opened up. And to have it taken away was absolutely devastating.

Overall, I feel optimistic about trying again. I just hope that I get pregnant as easily as the first time, but that everything go perfectly normally. I'm trying to focus on what I can control. And that's taking my prenatal vitamin every day, trying to eat healthfully, trying to exercise (I'm still working on that!), and staying positive.

I wanted to get this story out because as we come closer to trying to conceive again, I want to put this behind us and move forward, but at the same time not forget our first pregnancy. Even though it didn't work out, we still lost a life that we loved dearly. And we're praying that we never have to go through it again.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Where my buppies at??

The official definition of the word "buppie" from the Urban Dictionary is: "a highly sophisticated and upper class black person. Usually a black city or suburban resident with a well paid professional job and affluent lifestyle." It's what my best friend and I started calling ourselves after we couldn't think of a term to describe our little niche in our community. I don't think I'd call my lifestyle "affluent." And the term "upper class" rubs me a bit the wrong way, but you get the idea. The other definition they list is: Black Urban Professional. Black professionals and executives in their late twenties and early thirties. I think that fits.

But there's this stereotype of what a black person should be, how they should act, etc. Even in the black community. I could blog forever about the stereotypes inside and outside of the community. What I will say for now is that I've never really fit any one's stereotype. Growing up I was always called "proper" because of the way I talked. I grew up in a predominantly black community in Chicago, with a few latinos and a sprinkle of whites mixed in. In college and after moving to the West Coast, I made friends of all different races.

I've always cafes, lattes, drinking martinis, cute boutiques, trendy neighborhoods...That's where the yuppie part comes in. These things didn't make me un-black, but they kind of put my "blackness" into question with some of the people I knew. It was easier to make friends with nonblacks. And trust me, I didn't seek it out, it just happened. I've longed for more black female friends like me. They're just hard to find. Or I'm not looking hard enough. Probably a bit of both.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Do I Look Fat?

I used to be one of those girls that everyone hated because I could eat whatever I wanted, and not gain an ounce. I'd get supersized Big Mac meals from McDonald's with a large chocolate shake several times a week and not think twice about it. Mexican food drenched in lard and cheese, mmm...bring it on!

Then I met my wonderful husband. After being together 18months, I gained ten pounds. I couldn't even tell I gained the weight. I rarely weighed myself then. And all my clothes still fit. I didn't even believe the scale at first. I remember thinking, "Impossible! I haven't weighed this much in my life. This scale is off." Whatever, off to Burger King...

Then I turned 30. All of a sudden, I wasn't liking the way I looked in a bikini. Before I could throw on anything and the only worry I had was if it made my boobs look small. Suddenly, I had a bit of cellulite on my thighs, I needed to suck in my belly to make it look flat. The only positive thing was I finally had real breasts. At that point, I was almost ten pounds lighter than I am now.

Since then, I've exercised off and on. Lost and gained and lost and gained again. Before, if I exercised regularly for a couple of weeks, extra weight would fall off. Not the case anymore. Finally last year, I decided I needed to do something drastic--go on a diet. I did the South Beach diet, and to be honest, it was great! I lost 8 lbs in 2 weeks (just like the book said), and my belly looked flatter (like the book said). It was awesome. And I was never hungry. I did have to eat frequently. But I missed carbs. I love bread, pasta, sugar and alcohol, I'm sorry!

So I slowly gained the weight back, plus 4 lbs. Which is where I sit today. Heavier than ever. Ugh! I don't look terrible. My husband doesn't have a problem with it. He says he loves my body. And by others' standards, I'm not "fat." My BMI is normal. I think the term for me is "skinny fat." I'm definitely not rail thin anymore, that's for sure. And to be honest, I miss it.

And I'm at a crossroads because I want to start trying to get pregnant in a month. We were pregnant 3 months ago, but I miscarried. I think that pregnancy gave me the extra 4 lbs. So if we try to get preggers again in 4 weeks, is it worth dieting to lose ten lbs if my diet will completely change once we are (hopefully) pregnant? I obviously would not do low carb if I were pregnant.

So I think I may just start exercising again, (I stopped completely with the miscarriage and haven't started again) and just start eating healthfully. Complex carbs, and (this is a hard one for me) no sweets...okay, maybe just once a week...small portions:) But I really miss the good old days.