Friday, October 30, 2009

October 30, 2009

I'm not sure how today is going to turn out. It's October 30th. My first EDD. My best friend since college flew out from Chicago yesterday, which has been amazing. She's one of those people that always says the right thing, or nothing at all. She's never been pregnant. Never been through anything like what I've gone through in the past few months, but she's been a great source of support for me.

I've been dreading this day all month. My hubbie and I went out with friends at the beginning of this month, and had a fabulous time. We came home, got ready for bed, and I burst into tears, and cried for what felt like hours. I don't know what triggered it, but it was the first time it hit me that this month was the month.

Right now, at just after 2 am, Oct 30th, I don't know how I feel. My bestie and I just finished a $50 bottle of wine, my DH is sound asleep, and I'm awake...feeling almost numb. No one asks for this. No one expects this. I've cried more in 2009 than I can remember. And to be honest, I don't know if I have any tears left. I just feel broken, and scared and weird and confused and unsure. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to freak out? Am I supposed to scream and cry and throw things? Am I supposed to go about my day as if everything is normal and October 30th means nothing to me?

The one thing I will do is go to Half Moon Bay. It's a beach town here in the San Francisco Bay area that my DH and I went to the day we learned of the miscarriage. I was in a stunned, terrible state, and he took me there and we sat on the beach and held each other and cried together. He never cries. Except for our wedding day, I had never seen him shed a tear in the seven years we've been together.

It's supposed to be a great weather day today. Clear skies, a little cool, but warmer than usual for this time of year. I think about what I would have been doing, had things not gone wrong. I miss what was to be our much. And no matter what happens after today, I'll never forget him/her; or any of the other losses. It has forever changed me.

I don't know how today will turn out, or what state of mind I'll be in as the day progresses. And even though I can't quite articulate my feelings right now, or my pain, I know that somehow we'll make it through this. I think I have to believe that.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Now What?

So I finally was able to get my blood work drawn last week for my recurrent miscarriage workup. I had been waiting for that for weeks, and I had never been so happy to have a needle stuck in my arm (twice because the very sweet blood drawer missed the first time).

And thanks to modern technology, I get the results of the tests as soon as the doctors do...and they're all negative. Which makes me wonder, now what? I do have a special Xray to get this Thursday called an HSG, which could tell us something, or nothing; and I finally have an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist next week. It actually falls the day before my husband and I leave for a two week getaway to Portugal.
So I'm hopeful, and a little excited to start trying again (after we get the thumbs up from the specialist, of course). But also nervous and scared and very curious about what the doc is going to say to us next week. I'm just glad we have the appointment before we go away, so that we can hopefully have a relaxed, stress free vacation. One more week...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Follow Up

I haven't written on this blog in a while. Originally, I started to blog out of boredom. I always enjoyed writing, and thought it would be a fun way to talk about life as a newlywed, and travel. But then the miscarriages happened, and they have forever changed my life. It has without a doubt brought my husband and me closer together. We both hurt over it, but in different ways. He feels pain over the losses. But he's more worried about me and keeping me happy.

Of course, I think about the losses every single day. It's never far from my mind. Most days I feel fine. I can talk about it to anyone in a matter of fact way, and it hurts, but I can get through it. I've held my friends' newborns, and have been truly happy for them. But then I'll have a day or two where I'm sobbing, and anything will make me cry. A friend saying the wrong thing (people say really stupid shit sometimes!), a sappy commercial, anything. And on those days, I don't want to see or talk to anyone except my husband.

My first due date is creeping up. October 30th. And that's been painful. Other than the first few weeks after the first miscarriage, I never thought about how far along I would be or anything. Now I think about it every day along with everything else.

But the waiting has been the hardest part. The last miscarriage took weeks to complete. I took medication to induce it, bled for a week and a half, then had this reddish brown stuff for two weeks. I had a followup ultrasound that showed that not everything had been expelled, so I got more medication. The medication sucks because you have severe, severe cramps. This time I also got a low grade fever and was so uncomfortable, it felt like what labor is probably like. Which didn't help the process mentally at all. After a week and a half, we checked the ultrasound again, and there was still stuff there. I still had a positive pregnancy test. So my doctor scheduled a D & C (dilation and curettage, where they suction out and scrape your uterus to empty it) for as soon as his schedule allowed, which was the following week.

Then about 3 days before it was scheduled, I spontaneously expelled it. And as soon as I saw it, I knew it was done. I went in for another ultrasound, and took a home pregnancy test right before, and it was negative. The ultrasound was clean and I avoided the D & C (thank goodness!). Other than dragging out a painful process, what also sucked was that all the testing my doctor wanted to do had to be delayed until a few weeks after my HCG (pregnancy test) went to zero. That happened quickly once everything was expelled.

I was hoping to have all the testing done by now. But now I have to wait another two weeks. It's hard because I want to know what's going on. I want to know what the treatment options are, so that we can hopefully move on.

On a superficial level, I've gained like ten pounds in the last seven months, which is a lot for me. At first it was because I was afraid to work out with each pregnancy. Then, I was too depressed to work out. Now, I'm just lazy. Yes, I'm still depressed at times, but not enough to excuse my extreme laziness. I keep thinking, working out would feel so good, but I don't feel like it. And eating really fatty foods is so bad for me, but it tastes so good! I have gone to the gym a couple of times in the past month, and felt good about it, but I just can't keep it up for some reason. Yet, I hate what I see in the mirror. We're going on vacation in 3 weeks. All I own are bikinis. And that's the last thing I want to wear right now.

The whole thing about these miscarriages is looking for hope. You just want hope that it will be okay one day, and that you will have a child and you can put this all behind you. I've read so many things from message boards and blogs, to medical texts (I bought 2), and journal articles, and the conclusion that I've come to is no one really has any answers. They don't really have any concrete treatment. They have treatments, of course, but none are like the gold standard in recurrent pregnancy loss. It's kind of up to the doctor you choose and their personal philosophy on how to handle it. Like with most cancers, it's like, oh you have this type of cancer, this is the chemo and radiation protocol shown to shrink your type of cancer. For RPL, it's like, we don't truly know what works without a shadow of a doubt, so try this and good luck.

But I haven't seen my RE yet. That's in 3 weeks. So I'm trying to stay positive...