Monday, November 30, 2009

Here We Go...

After a lot of thought, flip flopping, debates with my husband and finally a phone call with the RE, I decided to go ahead and try again this cycle. I think 95% of my hesitation was fear. And I don't think that's going to go away whether we try now, or in a month or in two months.

It's almost impossible not to be excited. My RE advised me to get an ovulation predictor kit, even though we never used that in the past. She wants me to know when my LH surge is so that she can prescribe progesterone at the right time (4 days after the surge). This time we are trying extra folic acid as well as the progesterone. Neither of those are guaranteed to help, but they can't hurt either (so my RE says). So now we "baby dance" and wait. I used the test that gives you the happy face when your surge is on, and I got my happy face yesterday. I was trying to be cool and collected, but I couldn't help feeling a little giddy.

I am not, however, giddy about the two week wait. I know from past experience that the two week wait sucks! The days seem to drag on and on, even if you're busy. I keep looking at the calendar, looking at my work schedule, thinking of what I'm going to do on my days off, hoping I can put it out of my mind so that the time goes by a teensy bit faster. It's crazy!

In the past, the getting pregnant part hasn't been a problem at all. With my luck, I'm afraid that this time it may not be so easy. I hate to be cynical, but I've learned to expect the unexpected. Yet, I'm trying to stay positive. It's like I'm having this weird internal tug of war between happiness and fright. I never knew a person could feel terrified and really excited at the exact same time.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

Despite the unexpected twists and turns I've had in my life lately, I have so much to be thankful for. So on this Thanksgiving, I decided to make a list. Because sometimes, I do forget...

1. My first and only true love, best friend, and favorite person to hang out with--my loving husband. There was a time in my life that I really didn't think I'd ever find the right guy. I was afraid I would have to settle for "good enough." Then he came along. It wasn't a storybook romance at first. He had a bit of a reputation. He was the guy that your friends warned you to stay away from, so I definitely had a wall up initially. I'm so happy I listened to my instincts. And I truly am thankful for him every day.

2. I'm thankful for my wonderful mother, who sacrificed so much to send her children to private school. She wasn't perfect (what parent is?), but she always had my best interests at heart. I would never be where I am today without her.

3. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had to travel and see parts of the world I had only read about. Sometimes I think of all the money I'd have in the bank if I hadn't done some of those trips. But the experiences I gained are priceless.

4. I'm thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones. As a nurse in an ICU, I see so much suffering from kids as young as 18 or 19 to great great grandmothers and grandfathers. Whenever I start feeling really sorry for myself, I just have to go to work to realize that it can always be worse. It doesn't always help, but sometimes it does.

5. I'm thankful for each of my pregnancies. Although they didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, I never knew I was capable of so much love for someone I had never even met.

Unfortunately, I have to spend my Thanksgiving at work, but I hope everyone enjoys their feasts!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Well, all my testing is done and "normal-ish." I don't have celiac disease (I didn't really think I did in the first place, but it was worth checking out), my eggs are okay according to my FSH and E2. My DH gets his turn tomorrow. He gets to give a semen sample, which he's been trying to get out of, but I said listen, after all the crap I've been though--countless vaginal ultrasounds, blood draws, and the very unpleasant HSG...pardon my french, but jerking off in a cup just doesn't seem that bad....sorry.

At the appointment with my RE 3 weeks ago, she said we could try whenever we wanted. And we want to go for it ASAP, but I'm also terrified. Since I got back from our trip, I've been trying to eat more organically, cut back on sugar, zero alcohol. I stopped drinking caffeine a few months ago, but I'm thinking of even giving up my decaf coffees (which I only drink 3-4 times/week). Yet deep down, I know that if a pregnancy is meant to be, there ain't a whole lot one can do to F it up. I mean, crack addicts and meth addicts have babies. Somehow, I highly doubt they're taking their daily folic acid and going to their prenatal checkups religiously. Just a guess.

I just don't want to mess anything up. And I know most of it is out of my hands. I'm usually pretty laid back, and try not to worry about what I can't control. What I'm worried about is that there is something that I can control that I haven't thought about yet. Diet, vitamins (I've been taking 4mg of folic acid), exercise, research, bloodwork, more research...What if I'm missing something? What if there's something more I can do, some test I can ask for or some new therapy I can inquire about? And at the same time, I'm kind of sick of researching things.

In retrospect, my RE seemed a little nonchalant. I mean, she did spend an entire hour-plus with us. But if I weren't offering up suggestions/asking questions, I think she would have just sent us on our merry way. I'm thinking, what good are you doing me right now? Why did I come here? What can you tell me that I don't already know? She did say we could try progesterone supplements with our next pregnancy. But didn't elaborate. (I emailed her yesterday about that). And is progesterone appropriate when 2 out of 3 miscarriages had to be induced?

So my husband wants to try this cycle (I should O on Sunday or Monday). Part of me does, and part of me wants to wait one more cycle. And I really don't have a lot of time to decide. I know I have to do what's comfortable for me, and he's okay with whatever I want, ultimately. But it's a hard decision. I just don't want to get it wrong...again.

I think I'll see what she emails back about the progesterone thing and go from there. Yesterday I felt okay about everything, today I'm just frustrated. I guess I just want someone to had me a sheet of paper titled..."Everything You Need To Do to Prevent Another Miscarriage." And I want specific instructions, tailored specifically to me, telling me all the do's and don'ts. I want a Magic 8 ball that will tell me it's going to be all right this time. I want hope.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Back in the Saddle

I'm back from an amazing vacation! We went to Portugal, rented a car and drove all over the country for two weeks (also to Sevilla in Spain). It was like a second honeymoon for us. Our first stop was Lisbon, which I absolutely loved. It was hilly, with these wonderful winding streets that kind of reminded me of San Francisco . They even have a bridge that looks exactly like the Golden Gate!

From there we went to Porto in northern Portugal. They're known for their port wine. Another hilly city (we were definitely getting our exercise!!), we went wine tasting, took a boat ride on the Douro river, and just walked the winding, cobblestone streets. It was cloudy and/or rainy the entire first week, but so romantic.

From Porto, we drove south to a region known as the Algarve. It's a resort area that encompasses all of southern Portugal and because it was low season, it felt like we had most of the area to ourselves. We spent one night in Lagos and took an amazing boat ride. They had these reddish orange cliffs that dropped right off into the ocean, complete with caves and grottos. Unfortunately, the water was just cool enough to make it too cold to swim in (at least for me!).

Next, we went to a town about 10 minutes away called Albufiera and met up with my husband's 21 year old cousin who lives in England. He's a really good, sweet kid and we hadn't seen him since our wedding last year. We drove to Sevilla with him...another town that we fell in love with. I love Spain and Spanish food (the food in Portugal was okay, but 90% of our dishes were drenched in oil--coincidence?).

We spent the last night of our vacay alone in Lisbon. It was magical. My hubby told me he booked us in this kind of dumpy hotel we stayed in our first time around. But when we got there, he pretended he was lost (which was easy to believe because every town we drove into was like driving through a maze) and pulled into this beautiful 5 star hotel. It was an awesome surprise. Just what we both needed.

We had a 5 1/2 hour layover in Munich, so we took a bus to the city center, and looked around a cathedral and had lunch at the infamous brewery, Hofbrahaus.

The trip was tiring, but I wish I could just relive the whole two weeks. And although I enjoyed almost every second of the trip, it was really nice to come back home.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Expect The Unexpected

<Sorry for the extra long post. I started it and saved it, then added more. But I won't be posting for a while (not that I post often anyway!) because we're leaving the country tomorrow (yay!)>

Here I sit at work, watching the clock, and counting the hours until my vacation starts. Boy, do I need one! I'll be super busy until my flight. Naturally, I haven't packed yet because that would make too much sense. I have an appointment with my hairstylist, and at the nail salon for a mani/pedi (I've been putting it off, and boy do my nails need it! I almost cringe looking at them right now...) I have to do laundry and get the apartment clean (b/c I hate coming home after a great vacay to a messy apartment!) And I have the doctor's appointment that I've been waiting for with bated breath for almost two months now.

I can't believe my appointment is just hours away. I've been planning, researching, making lists of questions (boy, she's in for a treat!), and wondering what the heck she's going to say to me. I got the HSG on Thursday. And yes, it was very painful for about two or three minutes during the procedure (but when you're in intense pain, two or three minutes is a long time!). I asked the doc if he could tell me what he was seeing as he went along, and of course he said no. (I work as nurse in an ICU. I see them dodge questions they don't want to answer all the time).

But the tech was nice enough to let me look at the images after he left. I'm no radiologist, but I could see my uterus (couldn't tell anything with that), and I could see my left fallopian tube clearly; but I couldn't see the right as clearly. I didn't think much of it at the time because I'm no radiologist, and I thought my untrained eye couldn't be trusted. During the test, he asked me to turn to the left and then to the right. I turned left with no problem, but I was in so much pain, that I kind of just tilted a bit to the right, and he said that was fine. So I thought, maybe I just didn't turn enough. But since the radiologist is there viewing the images, and giving the instructions, he should/would have noticed that.

Anyway, my OB woke me up at 8:30 the next morning and told me the results. My uterus was fine. My left fallopian tube was fine, but the right showed some adhesions (scar tissue) that could have been from a prior pelvic infection. So when I get pregnant again, come in early so they can make sure it's not ectopic. Oh, okay great. Awesome. Another thing I have to worry about for future pregnancies. Exactly what I needed.

Then I thought, how could this have happened? I've always been diligent about getting checked for every STD under the sun after being with a new partner (and I can count them on one hand). So if I had an STD that could have lead to a pelvic infection, I would have known. So it must have been the last miscarriage because it was so drawn out. Of course, I didn't have time to process any of this because I was asleep when he called, so all I could do was say, "Okay...okay... really? hmm...well, thanks for calling."

So anyway, I was upset, of course. Sad and crying and ticked off. The one thing I wasn't worried about was my fallopian tubes. I used to think, surely they're fine if I got pregnant three times, right away. I never considered it to be a possibility. I'm just going to ask the RE about it tomorrow, and see what words of wisdom she has for me. Now that it has sunk in, I'm just throwing my hands in the air like, now what?

Addendum: Saw the RE today, and she wasn't that concerned about the HSG findings. She thought that it looked a little ambiguous, and it was really hard to tell if there was truly scar tissue there. Bottom line, she didn't think it was anything to worry about, or try to fix. All the blood work was negative, so she didn't have much to say about that. I asked her to order an FSH and estradiol level because my mother had early menopause. I also asked her to test me for celiac disease because I read about a correlation between RPL and celiac (and the symptoms of celiac in an adult can be very subtle. Plus, I figured they tested me for every other thing that is a remote possibility, why not add one more?) And basically, she said we could start TTC again when we were ready. Whenever we get pregnant again, they'll draw my progesterone level and possibly give me progesterone during the pregnancy and go from there. They'll also test my husband's semen for abnormal sperm.

So that's where I am. She was really nice. I don't know if I got any real insight. She put me in the "unexplained" category, which I kind of knew. She did a transvaginal ultrasound (like, my fifth in the past two months), and didn't see anything that stuck out as grossly abnormal. I'm going to try not to over analyze it right now. I have two weeks of vacation to think about it. In a way, I feel better...especially about the HSG findings. Again, I keep trying to think of something really profound that she said, and there wasn't much. She did answer all my questions and gave me plenty of time, without ever making me feel rushed. So although I don't feel like she waved her magic wand and solved all my issues, at least my anxiety level has gone down a bit. So, we'll see...

In the meantime, I have some packing to do!