Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Saying Goodbye and Hello!

Wow, not only are we ending another year, we're ending another decade! The last decade I closed out--1999--I was twenty-three, living in Chicago and gearing up to go to a big club to ring in the year 2000!! Prince's 1999 was on a constant rotation on almost all the radio stations, everyone was freaking out over Y2K, and my only worries were my outfit and if I would meet a cute guy to kiss at midnight. Ah, the simple life.

Overall it's been a great decade. I moved to beautiful California, saw more of the world than I ever thought I would, and spent most of the decade with the love of my life and now husband. I would have never guessed ten years ago, that I would be on this journey to have a child. I hope that 2010 brings peace in that department. I hope it brings me closer to my family and friends. I'm glad to be wrapping up this year. It's been the most painful year of my life, and I hope to never have to endure that kind of pain again. So, peace out, 2009! Thanks for the lessons I've learned and the good times, because there were some. That being said, I'm looking forward to a clean slate, a new start. I truly hope every one has a very happy new year, and that we all find what we're looking for!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Feeling Funky

I guess it's the holidays, but I've been in a terrible funk :( I've just been sad. And even when I feel okay, and things seem fine, there's just this undercurrent of sadness. I decided I should probably start seeing some professional about it. I've thought about therapy in the past, before all of this TTC stuff, at various points in my life. My best friend has gone pretty regularly since college. She loves it because, as she says, "I get to talk about myself and my problems, and totally hog the conversation without feeling guilty about it." Sounds like something I need to do.

I guess the biggest problem is I feel really withdrawn from everyone lately, except my DH. We spent Christmas alone, just the two of us. Both of our families live across the country, and we decided after our trip in November, to stay home for the holidays this year. It was actually perfect. We opened gifts, made a huge, delicious dinner together, and went to see Avatar (which was awesome!) I don't think either of us would have had it any different.

But I just feel detached from everyone else. My sister and I aren't very close, but normally I call her and my 15 year old niece every holiday. But not this Christmas (my sister didn't call me either. My niece called on Xmas eve, but I didn't call her back--awful, I know!). I feel terrible. And all day on Christmas I kept thinking, I'll call in a little while; I'll call after I finish x, y, z. Until it was too late to call. The only person I spoke to on Xmas was my mom, and that was a brief conversation. I also have no real desire to talk to any of my close friends. I don't have the energy or the inclination.

Ths week, I'm supposed to get together with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a couple of months. I've already sworn to myself that I will not cancel, no matter how tempting it is. My goal this week is to force myself to make those phone calls and connect with people, whether I want to or not. And for 2010 to find a professional I can talk to. I really hope this is a phase.

Sunday, December 13, 2009


I took another test and yes--it's definitely negative. I've accepted it. I'm ready to look forward and try again the next time...without progesterone.

I went to a little dinner party at a friend's house Sunday night. This friend (we'll call her J) and I used to be pretty close. But over the past 3 or 4 years, we've grown apart. She knows about the miscarriages, but I haven't really talked to her in months. We've grown apart for other reasons, and it was something in the works long before our TTC issues.

Anyway, she hosted the party. We arrived, and of course she offered us wine, which I declined. At this point, I know I'm not pregnant, but I just wasn't ready to have alcohol. So when I said, "No thanks, I'll just have water;" she replied, "What? Are you sure? Come on! I got your favorite wine. Why aren't you drinking?" Then she gasped, "OMG, are you pregnant?" Of course, all conversation stopped and everyone looked at me. "Um, no I'm not," I said awkwardly. "I just don't feel like drinking." "Awww,"she said with a pout. "Okay."

I was so annoyed! I was thinking, gee thanks for bringing it to everyone's attention! Knowing that we've been having a rough time, shouldn't that imply that pregnancy isn't a topic I want to discuss at a dinner party? Especially in front of people that have no idea?! Then when everyone left, she said, "So are you guys doing injections? My friend did IVF and when she was doing injections, she wouldn't drink." Trying really hard not to roll my eyes, I said, "No. No injections. I just got really drunk at the Christmas party last night and I swore I wouldn't drink tonight." Finally, she dropped it. I hated to have to resort to lying, but it was either that or hurting her feelings. My feelings, of course, don't matter. It's about protecting everyone else's feelings and making them feel comfortable! Ugh!

So annoying! I could excuse it if she knew nothing of what we'd been through this year, but she does know. How tactless! I just don't think I would ever do that--especially to someone who I knew was having trouble. I just don't know what people think. Or if they think.

Anyway, I may be a little sensitive right now. I've been really irritable lately.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

So I'm at the tale end of my two week wait. My RE told me to test on Sunday. I of course, did one yesterday because I was dying to know, and it was negative. I'm trying not to think about it, but the more I try, the more I think about it. Part of me really thinks that this time, I'm not pregnant. Even though I'm taking the progesterone religiously, I have zero symptoms. Zero...zilch...nada...And I read that progesterone can actually give you side effects that may mimick pregnancy symptoms. None for me! I never really had PMS other than moodiness and occassional breast tenderness. I wonder if that means I wouldn't be prone to side effects of hormonal changes? I guess that's something else I can google in my spare time!

I'm trying not to get discouraged about it. I'm trying to wait patiently for Sunday. It's just tough. My DH is so ready. I was reading a questionnaire from a seminar I went to for work, and I asked him what his short and long term goals are. He replied, "to be the most amazing father I can be." Great goal. Seriously. But it just makes me feel so crappy because I'm thinking, I want to give both of us that so badly. My heart just broke into a million pieces when he said that.

I was ready for kids first. While we were engaged, we used to go back and forth about when to start trying. I wanted to try the spring after we got married (which would have been Apr or May of this year), he wanted to wait until Jan of 2010. Because we'd already been together for five years before we got engaged, it used to really annoy me. Finally I said, "listen, I'm going off the pill for my birthday (in May). I don't care what you think or say, that's it!" It was so frustrating because at the time I was thinking, we're both in our 30s, how much longer was he willing to wait?

Anyway, last Christmas eve (our first married Christmas together), we decided to open one gift that night and save the rest for Christmas day. I hadn't finished wrapping the gift I wanted him to open, so I ran into the guest bedroom to do it. A few minutes later, we exchanged prezzies. Mine was wrapped in a ton of paper and was about the size of a credit card. As I started unwrapping, I was thinking, oh he got me a gift card from BCBG (my favorite store that I can't really afford). "Is it a BCBG gift card," I asked. He looked totally deflated. "Did you go through my wallet and look at my receipts?" he asked. "No, I just guessed," I smiled as I ripped through the rest of the wrapping paper.

But what I uncovered wasn't a gift card, it was my birth control...with all the pills gone. I was still in the middle of the pack, so I was really confused. I just stared at it for a minute thinking, did he dig this out of the trash? He had this goofy smile on his face and he said, "don't you get it? I'm ready. I want us to have a baby." "Really?!" And of course, the waterworks started.

And that was the beginning. We waited one cycle and then decided not to try, but not to prevent, and boom. BFP #1 in February. We were so ecstatic and so naive. It makes me smile when I think of our elation when we got that first BFP. Before we knew how horribly things could go wrong. I guess I should have known things were just a little too perfect.

Apparently my anxiety is contagious because he's been feeling really anxious lately too. When we saw the negative pregnancy test the other day, we both shrugged it off because we both think I probably won't be pregnant anyway. Of course, we won't know for sure for a few more grueling days. But he confessed that he's been thinking about it a lot, and feeling really worried and anxious about everything going well, and thinking about all the what if's.

As I sit watching the clock, willing the hands to move just a little bit faster, I really hope things are different this time. That things are positive and normal! Just normal!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

So Happy For You

On a non TTC/miscarriage note, I read the book, I'm So Happy For You by Lucinda Rosenfeld during my vacation. I've definitely been craving light, easy reads lately and this totally fit the bill. It didn't get really, really good until the end, but it was definitely entertaining. It's about the love/hate relationship between two women that have been "friends" for fifteen years. And although it was extremely dramatic (and the characters really petty), I could see little bits of myself in the main two characters, Wendy and Daphne. At the same time, I didn't really like the implication that all female friendships are as toxic as the ones in the book.

Daphne was the beautiful friend who always had a different boyfriend, loved to date older, married men and had tons of drama in her life. Wendy was her quieter, more plain best friend who supported her through all her crises. Wendy's life seemed more together on the surface, but she married a deadbeat and had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no luck while jealously watching all of her girlfriends get pregnant and have kids with no problem (I can totally relate to that!). It was when Daphne got pregnant accidentally that she really lost her mind.

It went a little overboard with how we women love each other but can be really mean and catty toward one another. Some of the scenarios were completely ridiculous, but I guess it was the author was trying to make the point that female relationships can be dramatic and ugly at times. And although the book really went over the top in trying to get this point across, I did have to reflect on some of my own friendships after reading it.

There's a lot of gossiping, usually under the guise of being a concerned friend, when really they're just dying to tell someone a juicy story. I've definitely been in this boat. And I admit it, I do like to hear gossip. I tell it to, but I am careful about who I do my gossiping with. Like, I don't gossip about coworkers to other coworkers (unless it's someone I really trust and there are only a couple of those at work). I also gossip a lot with my mom because she's always curious about what's going on in my friends' lives, and I know she won't call them telling them what I said!

I do think that female friendship dynamics are much more complicated than male friendships. We can be competitive and catty with one another. But in my experience, when I do feel that way with girlfriend, it's a fleeting thing. It's definitely not all consuming the way it is in the book.

But as much as I gossip or love to hear gossip, I truly value my girlfriends. Even when they make me crazy, I don't know what I'd do without them.