Sunday, January 31, 2010

Trying Not to Judge...but I can't help it...

This afternoon I got a call from a friend of mine saying she was freaking out, needed to talk and wanted to come over. Of course, I told her, come now.

To back track a bit, sometime in the spring of last year, we went for a hike and she confessed that she had a crush on one of her coworkers who is married with two children. She said they were friends, and the more they hung out, the more she liked him, but knew it was wrong because he was married. She said they were a little flirtatious with each other sometimes, and she felt really guilty about it. I told her to cut the friendship off, and just keep their out of work socialization to work events only. I told her it was a slippery slope that she did not want to go down. Weeks later, I asked her how things were going, and she said, oh we're good. We still hang out sometimes, but it's really not like that, we're purely platonic. (I'm sure you can see where this is gonna go)

Well, I guess at that point, they really were just friends. But a few months later, they bonded over some crisis at work, ended up sleeping together, and started an affair that has lasted for months. His wife and two kids lived on the east coast and he was on the west coast doing a special project for a year, which is why he could get away with it and act single for so long. He moved back east in September, and she said since that time, they've talked on the phone and texted daily. She's gone to D. C. twice to meet up with him.

I was floored. Floored!! I knew their relationship had probably crossed a line. I went out for drinks with them once, and their level of intimacy, I thought was inappropriate. I mean, it was little things, but I remember thinking, if my husband was that comfortable with a single female, some bitch's hair would be ripped out and he would be missing a testicle. Just sayin. That was the point where she and I started hanging out a lot less. She wouldn't commit to hanging out, or would just flake when we made plans. I was going through my own crap, so I didn't bother to pursue it. When he left to go back to the east coast, I thought their relationship was over. She never brought him up. They weren't friends on facebook anymore. I asked her about him once, and she said she didn't talk to him anymore. I just assumed it ended (maybe badly), and that was that.

So she came over, and said that a few weeks ago, he told her his wife just turned 35 and wanted them to try for a third child. (He had been telling my friend that he hadn't slept with his wife in two years, and wasn't attracted to her anymore). She got upset and jealous, and told him that he had to tell her about the affair, because it wasn't fair to his wife to keep her in the dark (yeah, now all of a sudden, she's thinking about what's fair to the wife!). And she said if he didn't tell his wife, she would.

He got upset, threatened suicide, then via text message, he told her that he had confessed to his wife last night, and she left with the two kids. My friend was in tears, and said she hoped he didn't hurt himself, that she had been trying to call him and he hadn't returned her calls.

I told her she needed to CUT HIM OFF!! I said, he is wrapping you up in his crap, and you cannot move on with your life, unless you cut him out of it. Block his number, change your number, whatever you have to do. And she said, I know, and it's so over, I just want to hear his voice to make sure he's okay. (Eye roll) I should've said, but didn't think of it the time, do you think he's worried about you? If he really cared about you, wouldn't he have ended this relationship so you could move on with your life, and maybe start one with a man that could give you 100%? He told her from the beginning that he would not be leaving his wife.

I feel for her, because she's only had one other relationship in her life besides this affair, and I think she's a little naive. But when I met her, she always talked about what a strong Christian she is. She goes to church almost every Sunday, and honestly, even though I knew something inappropriate was going on, I thought at worst, they had made out, or slept together once. But a torrid, emotional and physical affair for months? Totally shocked.

I'm trying not to judge her. But I really thought and expected a lot more from her. We are all human, but really? You flew 3000 miles to hook up with him? Really? And she said, it was hard to "remember" he was married because she never met his wife, she lived 3000 miles away and he acted very single (went out all the time, etc); and I get that. But come on! I didn't want to make her feel worse, so I really held my tongue.

I have really strong feelings about affairs. My dad had one on my mom that produced 2 children, and my mother was devastated...beyond devastated. My husband's father had an affair for years, and ended up marrying his mistress. His mother is still bitter about it. So I think that's part of the extreme disappointment and shock. I guess I'd like to believe that no one I call a friend would do something like that. I'm really kind of disgusted by it. And the guy is such an a-hole sleezebag, and she doesn't see it.

I thought it'd be better to vent on my blog than talk about it to other friends. I'm not sure who knows at this point. It's just sad...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Big Exhale...

We had our first ultrasound today, and finally, for the first time ever, we got good news!!! According to my LMP, I should be 6 weeks 2 days today. The baby measured 6 weeks 5 days, and had a heart rate of 141!!! I could not believe it! When I saw that little flutter, my heart just melted. My DH had tears in his eyes. Our little sprout is growing and alive!

I've never seen anything so beautiful and wonderful in my life. I'm still in shock and awe and amazement. This is literally the happiest day of my life thus far. This is only the first hurdle, but darnit, we crossed it. Finally.

We'll get another ultrasound at 8 weeks, and see how things are. I'm still cautiously optimistic, but so very happy. I was jumping up and down in the parking lot doing the happy dance, and probably looking like a crazy person. I couldn't help it. I didn't care what people thought. We have a chance. Thank you God, we have a chance...:)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

One Day At a Time

I'm anxiously anticipating my ultrasound on Tuesday. Practically counting the minutes! I have a good feeling about this one so far. I have lots of breast tenderness right now. I don't even have to poke around, it's there. And I feel hungry all the time. But I don't know if that's from the pregnancy, or from the fact that I really love food, it's hard to tell. I'm trying to stay positive and keep telling myself that every pregnancy is different. It is going to be okay. I will not have my heart broken again.

The angel on my shoulder is reinforcing all that positive self talk. Yes, darling you will be okay. Just relax. Whatever happens is out of your control. Then I have the little devil on the other shoulder saying, things seemed fine with 2 of the 3 pregnancies at this point. Not bleeding doesn't mean anything. And even if the ultrasound is good on Tuesday, it doesn't mean it'll stay that way.

That's the voice that I've been trying to strangle into silence.

But mostly, I'm listening to the angel, and trying to push all other thoughts out of my head, because it's out of my control at this point. So I'm officially 5w2d today. I only have 5 more days until my first ultrasound. Hopefully, after that, I'll be able to let out a little bit of tension, we'll see...But I'm very, very hopeful.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Liar, liar...

I'm a terrible liar. Awful! Usually I do okay if I have time to rehearse it beforehand; but if someone asks me something just out of the blue, I choke. Every single time!

Anyway, it's probably not the best idea to go to a bar with friends who are getting loaded, when you very obviously are not. My girlfriend (we rekindled our friendship last year after not really talking for a couple of years) noticed I was only drinking Sprite. She was at the dinner party I went to last month where I was only drinking water. She just stopped and stared at me and said, "Oh my God! You are pregnant, aren't you?"

I stalled. She was the only person who didn't know about the three miscarriages I had last year. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to get into it at a bar either. So I said, "Well, we're trying to get pregnant." "Really? How awesome!!" she replied as she hugged me. "How long have you guys been trying?"

OK, that was a valid question, but one I didn't exactly anticipate. I wanted to tell her a million times over the past few weeks what we'd been going through, but I just never found the right opportunity. This certainly didn't seem like the right opportunity while she's chugging her 3rd or 4th beer, but I didn't want to make something up because I was going to tell her the truth at some point, and I didn't want her to look back and know I lied to her. So I told her we've been trying for a year. And when she asked if we were on Clomid or trying IVF, I finally told her that we'd had 3 miscarriages. I know it was just not the right time to get into it, but I also didn't know how to get out of it.

I did feel better just being honest. It was so much easier for me than saying, "I'm going low carb." Though, I did kind of lie about actually being pregnant. But whatever.

Another friend asked me about the not drinking too, and I told her the same thing. That we're trying to get pregnant. It was actually much easier to say that than to give some other flimsy excuse. I guess I didn't want people to know we were even trying because I didn't want them to ask how it was going, and potentially bring up something painful. But if anyone does ask if we're pregnant yet before I'm ready to tell them, I decided to be honest and say, "If there's something you need to know, I'll tell you. You don't have to ask." I just have to figure out how to make it sound less bitchy.

On the pregnancy front, I'm 4 whole weeks. It seems so inconsequential, but we all gotta start somewhere! I had the worst heartburn of my entire life after eating a turkey burger yesterday. Literally felt like the acid was burning a whole through my esophagus into my heart. Brutal! And my boobs feel full, but not really tender. I wanted to wait until I actually missed my period to call the doc, which I'll do in the morning. I just wish I could fast forward three or four weeks. I feel positive about everything, but I'm still nervous. It's like sleeping with one eye open.

Friday, January 8, 2010

In the Meantime...

Well, once again, I'm pregnant!!! I've been an emotional wreck the past week (my poor hubby), and the wondering was driving me even nuttier, so I did an early test (AF's not due until Tues). This is the first time I've done a pregnancy test without my husband being home. I did it without him because I thought it was too early to be positive, and I didn't want two of us to be disappointed by a solitary line.

Anyway, there was a definite line on two different tests. Of course, I was really excited. This time (unlike our try last cycle), I knew that I was pregnant. I didn't want to fully admit it to myself because I didn't want to be disappointed, but I knew. And I was right.:) DH is golfing today, and I can't wait to tell him.

I'm pretty happy. But after 3 miscarriages, it's hard to let myself really feel that happiness. The innocence is gone. It's still so very early, and there's a chance for an ectopic pregnancy (according to my HSG results). My 2nd miscarriage was 4 days after my expected period, and with that one, I did an early test as well. So I'm cautiously optimistic and mostly very scared.

Of course, the only person who will know for a long while will be my DH. It's just really hard for me to lie. It's times like this that I regret my crazy, wild single days because everyone who knows me, knows I love a good cocktail, and will almost never turn down a glass of quality wine. I have a bunch of social activities this weekend (one of which is celebrating my friend's bday at an English pub), and I have to figure out how to effectively lie to people. I decided on telling them I'm on the South Beach diet, and can't have any sugar or alcohol (a few friends know I did that diet before I got married, so I should be able to get away with it).

Whatever story I come up with, I hope in a few months, I'll be able to share the truth with everyone. I'm crossing every body part I can cross and hoping against hope that that will happen. And in the meantime, I watch and I wait...