Friday, February 12, 2010

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Got my second ultrasound Thursday. And we're still good! I was supposed to be 8 weeks 2 days, according to my LMP, but the little one measured 9 weeks! I'm pretty confident I ovulated early that cycle, and because the baby was measuring ahead with the first ultrasound, we upped the due date by 3 days (to 9/18).

I was so excited. My DH actually cried. We're still terrified, it's still early, but it's the first time we've had something to hold on to. As far as symptoms (which I never really had in any of my miscarriages), I've had intermittent nausea. Seems like I've had a little nausea every day this week. Definite bloating (I've had that the whole time, and it makes me look, not pregnant, but freaking fat! But I'm okay with that...), gas, lots o gas, and sometimes, I do have an increased sense of smell. No food aversions. Although I have no desire for decaf coffee. I used to have a cup every day I worked, and occasionally at home, but for weeks, I've had no desire for it, at all. And I love coffee.

We finally came out of the closet to immediate family. We weren't going to tell a soul until 13 weeks, but I wanted to tell my mom because she has this crazy intuition. It's a little scary sometimes. But for weeks, she's been saying she can't sleep at night because she knows something is going on with me, and she kept asking me, is everything okay. Is there anything you need to talk about? It got to the point, that I was dreading talking to her on the phone, because I knew she was going to start grilling me and telling me how worried she was about me. When she heard the news, she cried. It was a really special moment.

So, I have a lot of hope right now. I'm still taking it one day at a time. And that's what I told my family. Things are great right now, but it's still early. I won't get another ultrasound until some time in March, which scares me a little. I've contemplated buying a doppler, but DH is against it. He knows that ultimately I'll do whatever I think is best, but he thinks it'll give me more to worry about, instead of less. His argument is that it's not always easy to find the heartbeat, and if I can't one day, what will I do. Potentially worry for nothing. I think he has a point, but I still want to try it out.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Lesson Learned

Last installment of Affairgate 2010...

A group of friends (that included my friend that cheated, M) went out to dinner on Friday night. It was the first time I'd seen her since she told me about her affair. I felt really awkward around her. Whenever I have an issue with someone that hasn't been aired, I have a hard time being around them or looking them in the eye. That's how my husband can tell if I'm upset with him. If I'm really quiet, or avoiding his gaze, he immediately asks, what's wrong?

Anyway, things were okay during dinner. After dinner, the group of us went to a bar for drinks (I had Sprite with lime, of course). I pretty much avoided her the whole time. I just talked with other friends. I saw her mingling, but eventually sitting by herself. Of everyone there, she knew me best. Normally, I would have tried to make her feel included, but I didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't want to be fake. So, I actually made an effort to say away from her.

Then (this is the part I'm ashamed of), out of the corner of my eye, I saw her wiping her face. My husband happened to be there. I saw them talking, and she was visibly very upset. Everyone in our group noticed. Then she got her coat. My husband came up to me and said, she's really upset right now, and she's leaving. I'm going to grab a cab for her. Why don't you give her hug? Well, I refused. She needs you right now, he said. You're her friend, and she's devastated. Well, maybe she should be devastated, I replied.

Well, he shook his head, and he grabbed her a cab. This whole time, she never looked at me. That night, my husband and I talked about it, and my husband was like, wow I've never seen you act like that. You were so cold, I couldn't believe it. Well I gave him my passionate plea about I couldn't stand behind a home wrecker (especially after what happened to both his mother and mine), and that I had been conflicted about it ever since she told us the week before. I realize now that I was so conflicted, because I didn't agree with it but I knew judging her so harshly was wrong.

That night, I couldn't sleep. The more I reflected on my actions, the more terrible I felt. My husband was right. I was being a self-righteous bitch. The least I could have done was try to comfort her, even if I didn't agree with what she did.

I had lunch with a different friend the next day, and told her everything. She gave me great advice. She said, yes what she did was deplorable, and I completely agree with how you feel about it. But she's human and we've all made mistakes. She needs a friend now more than ever, and you need to be there for her. You don't have to agree with what she did, but you can help her move forward.

So since I suck at confrontation, I said, maybe I should write her a letter. No, don't do that, my friend said. You can't convey tone or feeling in a letter. This is something that warrants at least a phone call. Maybe you could text her, and let her know you want to talk, but don't discuss your feelings about it in a letter.

Well, I took the middle road, and sent her a message on facebook. It said, "I'm really sorry for being standoffish last night. I've never had a friend in a situation like this, and it's been hard for me to figure out how to be supportive, while staying true to myself. I've always been there for my friends, and you are my friend. Even though I don't agree with what's happened, I don't want to judge you and I do want to be there for you. So whenever you want to talk, I'll be here to listen." I was going to have someone look it over and give me their thoughts, but after reading it, and re-reading it and revising it a dozen times, I sent it.

I thought it was honest, without being harsh and that I was opening up the door for communication. Well, she didn't quite take it that way. She replied, "After my awkward departure last night and receiving your message today, I don't see how I can be comfortable or honest about my life with you. I realize our friendship has dwindled away since I left the ICU (we used to work together), and this won't be a big loss for either of us. I don't want to sound petty or inflammatory, but I think you should know I'm pretty hurt by the message you sent me today and that the timing was incredibly bad as my life, my heart and my soul are in pieces right now. I'm so sorry."

Yeah, so I'm an evil bitch.

She's right, since we stopped working together, we did grow apart. We really started growing apart once this affair started. And I'm not heartbroken about not having a friendship with her anymore. I always thought our friendship had great potential, it just never got there. People thought we were close, but we were never as close as we appeared to be.

What I feel guilty about, is letting my self righteousness get in the way of being a friend. I watched her crying that night, and I did nothing. Instead of being compassionate, I judged her harshly, and turned my back on her. That was wrong. I know what she did was awful, but I'm not perfect either. I've done that a few times in my life, judged very harshly and had no sympathy for the person I was judging. I think it's a defense mechanism, but it doesn't make it right.

I've learned a lot about myself this week. I've learned that, even though I've always considered myself an open minded, compassionate person, I don't always live up to that role. I've learned that I need to learn how to confront people, and stand up for what I believe in, without knocking someone else down. I think judging people/situations is natural and unavoidable, but I can't let those judgements make me believe that I'm somehow better than someone else. I'm sure in her life, she never imagined she'd be where she is right now. I know that having an affair is not something one aspires to. It was a terrible mistake, and I should have seen it as such. I think the irony is that I did come around, but it was too late.

I hope this experience teaches me how to be a better person, better friend, and someday, better parent. And if all of that comes from all of this, losing a friend was worth it.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Keep on Keeping On

So far, so good, I guess with my little sprout. 7 weeks 3 days today. I've had vague symptoms like indigestion, sometimes things taste good, but have an alkaline taste in my stomach (hard to explain), but that's been intermittent. Sometimes I'm really bloated, sore bbs, though some days are worse than others. Sometimes it seems the soreness almost totally goes away, and then it comes back. That happened a couple of days before my ultrasound last week. My boobs felt normal, and I was freaking out, then the day of the ultrasound, they started aching again, and we got good news. So hopefully, it just naturally waxes and wanes and isn't an ominous sign.

I'll just feel better after our ultrasound next week. I know I still won't be able to completely relax, but hopefully it'll bring a little calm.

As far as my friend is concerned (I'm still in shock, by the way), I have mixed feelings about her. I think she did a terrible, awful, incredibly selfish thing. And regardless how our friendship ends up, I need to tell her what I really think. I held back a lot the day she told me. Partly out of shock, partly because she was upset and I didn't want her to feel worse, partly because I'm pretty non-confrontational. But I think whether our frienship continues or not, I have to get off my chest how I feel to her. I've just witnessed too much (particularly with my mother, and how my dad's affair effects her to this day), to just stand idly by and act like it's a mistake anyone could make.

I want her to know that she should be ashamed of herself. I think she's embarrassed because it's socially taboo, but I don't think she really regrets it. I never heard her express real remorse. And I know she's told other people, and I don't think anyone's really given her sh*t for it, and that's what she needs. A good slap on the hand!

Yet, I feel bad judging her because I'm no saint. I've done a couple things in my past that I would gladly take back if I could. Nothing even close to what she's done, but still. Who am I to judge?

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on staying positive. I work in an ICU, and we've had a lot of sadness lately. This week, I've seen two 35 year olds who are close to death. Really, really sad. One is engaged. The other is married with two small children. Just makes me count my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for.