Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Coming Out

Coming out ain't easy. My husband has been so excited. I promised him that at week 13, we could tell people at work. He was bursting at the seams! Since we work in the same place (different departments), I slowly started telling people too. My department is large and pretty gossipy, so for every one person I tell, 5 will know in a day or two. And the more people that know, the more I want to crawl into a hole. It's not that I'm not thrilled about the baby, I'm terrified about all the what if's.

Everyone in both our departments know that we're married. I had a girl who works with him come up to my area just to give me a hug. Another girl I work with heard through the grapevine, and she came to give me a hug. It's sweet, but I also just want people to act normal. I don't know. It's just terrifying.

It's easier and easier to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, and that's reassuring. Being 13 weeks, 4 days is reassuring. The results of our NT Scan (1 in 6000 chance of Down's, and 1 in 86,000 for Trisomy 18), also reassuring. But there's that nagging little voice, almost a whisper that keeps saying, what if...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

An Interesting Article

Found this article via Love Maegan, which is a blog more dedicated to style/fashion, but she is having issues with infertility, and occassionally posts about it.

The article was written in 2006, but it's still relevant and could have been written yesterday. It's about how America seems to have "baby fever," and how difficult it is for women struggling with infertility. It also points out thst since Demi Moore posed naked with a huge bump on the cover of Vanity Fair, pop culture has been obssessed with baby bumps. I have to admit, that I subscribe to a weekly celebrity gossip mag and if I had a buck for each story, picture or announcement about a celebrity's child, bump or pregnancy, I'd be able to retire.

Anyway, if you have some time, the article is really interesting. On another note, I just watched the Oscars (in parts), and I adore Sandra Bullock's dress! Oh my gosh, she looked absolutely stunning!

Still here...

I realized that I haven't posted for a while. One of my symptoms has been extreme exhaustion. It took a Herculean effort to get me to do anything around the house, let alone cook a meal. Thank goodness for my DH! He really stepped up to the plate, without a complaint. If I wanted take out, he got take out. If I had a craving for grilled cheese at 7am, he made me grilled cheese with a smile. So blessed to have him.

Last Thursday, I suddenly just felt better. I went to a class during the day for work, then after the class went to the grocery store, made dinner and did the dishes afterward. I hadn't done anything like that in weeks! My DH almost passed out from shock! I felt better about myself (because I was so lazy, it wasn't even funny anymore!), but of course the worry started to creep in.

So, I broke down and bought a doppler. I just couldn't resist. It's not the greatest quality. It took it a while to accurately display my own pulse (which I know is healthy and bounding), but I could hear it. But the pulse reading on the display was not accurate for a while. It took it a long time to calculate. In the meantime, it was giving me heart rates of 125 (that's its favorite number!), then going blank. Annoying!!

Initially, I had a lot of trouble finding the baby. I put it away for a couple of days, then yesterday, I tried with a really full bladder. After a couple of minutes, there it was! It was beating away at about 168 (I counted it manually, then finally the doppler displayed it), and it was the sweetest sound I ever heard! Throughout all of this, I hadn't cried. At both ultrasounds, I was happy, and relieved, but never had an emotional release, because I was holding my breath. But hearing that beautiful sound yesterday, I lost it. I know it's still early (11 weeks, 3 days today), and anything can happen anytime, but it was so nice to have that reassurance.

I did it while my husband was at work, and when he came home, after a few minutes, I was able to find it again for him. And he admitted he was glad I bought the doppler after all. My compromise is that I'm going to try not to use it every day. I really just want it between visits. I have my NT ultrasound on Monday, and after that I won't see the doctor for 3 1/2 weeks. The doppler will keep me sane... I hope.

I still live in fear every day. But hearing the heartbeat, gave me a little more hope.