Saturday, March 31, 2012

Time Flies....

It's been a long time since I posted anything on here. I've been doing pretty well. Just trying to keep up with my now 18 month old toddler. Pretty crazy. We decided to try for a second. We had an early miscarriage last April, and another early one in September. Then, we got successfully pregnant 19 weeks ago.

I couldn't believe it. Can a miracle happen twice? I don't know. I got a call from my OB that one of my screening tests (AFP) was abnormally high. Actually, really high. We had a normal Nuchal translucency scan at 12 weeks. Everything seemed to be fine, but now we find out, it may not be.

A high AFP could be a false positive (doubtful, but it's possible), or it could be a neural tube defect like spina bifida, it could be an abdominal wall defect where the intenstines are growing outside of the body, it could be ancephaly where the brain hasn't formed correctly. If the baby is anatomically ok, then it could be a problem with the placenta (other than a false positive, this is the best case scenario). That would put me at risk for preterm labor, but my doctor said that that usually isn't a serious concern until the 3rd trimester.

So, I'm scheduled for a Level 2 ultrasound (which I was getting anyway), and a consultation with a genetics counselor. I'm trying not to worry, but that's like trying not to breathe. Whenever I look stuff up on the internet (I know I shouldn't), I just cringe.

I felt terrible, because this pregnancy, I haven't been nearly as obsessed as I was with my first. I haven't had time to be, I guess. Unlike my first pregnancy, the weeks seemed to be flying by, and everything seemed fine. It's unbelievable, and then again it's not. Because I never could believe I was actually pregnant. It just was surreal in the beginning. Then as the bump grew, I was thinking, wow I'm actually going to get to have 2 of them. Crazy! Then just as I was wrapping my head around it, and letting myself believe it, my doctor calls and breaks the news.

I got the call on Thursday, my ultrasound is on Tuesday. This has been the longest wait of my life. I just need to know what we're dealing with. I never thought I would hope for a problem with my placenta, but I do. I just want my baby to be okay.

I think the hardest part is being at work, and everyone asking me about the pregnancy. "Do you know what you're having?" "Oh, look at that belly!" "You're gonna have your hands full soon!" "Have you thought of names?" And all the while, I'm smiling, nodding. Telling everyone what they want to hear instead of the fact that I'm breaking inside. I don't even know if there's going to be a baby anymore.

Three more days...